
Glass ■ j 

Book_ 5- 



WANTED A WIFE; 



OR, 



M ©tegue on ray asattftet, 



A COMEDY, 



IN FIVE ACTS 



AS PERFORMED AT 



THE THEATRE ROYAL, DRURY LANE, 



WITH UNIVERSAL APPROBATION. 



By W, ■ T. MONCRIEFF, Esq, 



LONDON : 



PRINTED FOR JOHN LOWNDES, 

25, B6\V STREET, COVE NT GARDEN. 



1819. 
[Price Three Shillings.] 






^^^3 
/& 



W. Shackell, Printer, 
Johnson's-court, Fleet-street. 



ADVERTISEMENT. 



This Comedy, produced at a period when a 
continued display of Tragic excellence had un- 
tuned the public mind for 

" Nods and cranks, and wreathed smiles," 

though it has been favoured with a greater 
share of the applause of those who have wit- 
nessed its representation, than the Author's most 
sanguine expectations could have hoped for, has 
not, perhaps, been so productive of profit as it has 
of praise. Some of our critics have been kind 
enough to assign as a reason for this want of 
attraction, the illiberal prejudice that at present, 
it is feared, exists against the Establishment at 



IV ADVERTISEMENT. 

which it was brought forward : the Author would 
willingly assign it to his own demerits ; but he can- 
not conceal from himself, that on the first night of 
his Comedy's production, notwithstanding the 
brilliant display of names included in its Dra- 
matis Personse, the House was only a third part 
filled. Therefore, with every feeling of gratitude 
for the great kindness and toleration aflbrded to 
his very feeble attempts by those who have 
witnessed them, he must regret that number 
has not hitherto been greater : he owns this 
with a pecuniary sensitiveness, perhaps more 
peculiar to Poets than any other persons, between 
the ebb and flow of whose spirits and pockets, a 
greater sympathy exists than is generally ima- 
gined. But notwithstanding this drawback, and 
it is by no means a small one, he most sincerely 
returns his thanks for the encouragement he has 
received. If his Comedy has been productive of 
nothing else, it has procured him the attention, 
and he hopes the esteem of a great body of talent, 
which though he came among them unknown and 
unpatronized , received him with a friendly inte-, 
rest and kind warmth that can never be effaced 



ADVERTISEMENT. V 

from his memory ; the almost brotherly interest 
taken in the success of this Comedy, trifling and 
faulty as it is, would more than have insured the 
success of a much worse piece. The utmost 
stretch of his ambition was to raise a laugh, and 
in this he has certainly succeeded, whether at 
his own expence or not, it is not for him to decide. 
But the Author will turn from the ungracious 
contemplation of his own failings, to the pleas- 
ing reflection of the excellencies of those by whom 
he has been supported. To Mr. Munden, Mr. 
Johnstone, Mr. Harley, Mr. Oxberry, Mr. Knight, 
Mrs. W. West, Mrs. Sparks, and indeed the whole 
of the Ladies and Gentlemen concerned in the 
representation of this Piece, his gratitude is due 
much beyond the gratitude of a Preface. Trust- 
ing they are fully convinced of the sincerity of 
his private feelings, he hopes this slight public 
acknowledgment of them will be thought suffi- 
cient. Deep grief, has been pronounced by the 
Poet to be dumb : and the Author hopes that deep 
gratitude, may in this instance be deemed the 
same. Hereafter it is trusted a mutual meeting 
will take place in a more productive season, 



VI ADVERTISEMENT. 

and on a worthier occasion with regard to him- 
self than the present. To Mr. S. Kemble and 
Mr. Carr, for a world of kindness in forwarding 
the production of this Comedy, a world of thanks 
are due — are sincerely offered, and the Author 
trusts will be kindly accepted. 



Worcester Coffee House, Holborn, 
May 10th, 1819. 



PROLOGUE. 

By the Author of the Comedy, 



"Tis sweet, though sad, when day its course has run, 
To mark the radiance of the setting sun, 
Delightful promise, to the wanderer's eyes, 
That it but sets, more bright again to rise ; 
All love the ray — though brief and faint its glow, 
As young Hope's sparkle on the tear of woe, 
And deem it like th' adieu by Lovers spoken, 
Of Constancy, and glad return, the token. 
It has been said, we own it with regret, 
Thalia's cheering Sun has long been set. 
Yet, should some rays flash on your view to-night, 
Awakening memories of past delight, 
Do not condemn, though they but feebly gleam 
With the warm splendour of its mid-day beam. 
But, as you'd hail your favorite's sway again, 
Spare the attempt, e'en though it's made in vain! 
The Bard, whose frolic pen to-night would cheer 
Your hearts with Comedy's gay fancies here, 
Has been of old— (They were his proudest gains) 
Blest by your fostering smiles at humbler Fanes ; 
And urg'd by Gratitude to venture more, 
Asks here, that kindness, he's received before. 
Child of your Bounty ! Creature of your will ! 
The hopes you first gave birth to, can you kill ? 
Young, humble, ardent, should you doom to-night, 
Hereafter he with worthier pen may write. 
In his light sketches should there nought offend, 
Say will you be your lowly votary's friend? 
Owning himself Thalia's humblest son 
If what he has attempted — he has won. 
Though no high effort in his Play appear, 
Oh pardon the fond pride that led him here. 
Pilgrims who rove to seek some mighty Fane, 
Kneel at humbler shrines new strength to gain : 
Thus he who long has play'd a Trifler's part, 
Comes to this crowning shrine to yield his heart. 



DRAMATIS PERSONS 



MEN, 

Sir Wilful Wildfire, 
Sir Gabriel Peeper, 
General Malabar, 
Arthur Wildfire, 
Frank Cleverly, 
Jonathan Curry, 
Barney M'Shift, 
Jolt, - 

Pikestaff, 
Boozle, 
Servant, 

WOMEN. 

Miss Catherine Arragon, 
Miss Arragon, 
Lillian Eden, 



- Mr. Watkinson, 

- Mr. Munden. 

- Mr. Gattie. 

- Mr. Russell. 

- Mr. Harley. 

- Mr. Oxberry. 

- Mr. Johnstone. 

- Mr. Knight. 

- Mr. Carr. 

- Mr. Coveney. 

- Mr. Ebsworth. 

- Mrs. W. West 

- Mrs. Sparks. 

- Miss Smithson. 



Scene — Barney M c Shift's Echo Office, Castleton Hall, 
and Inn in a Country Village. 



Time— One Day. 



WANTED A WIFE, 

Sfc. 



ACT I. 



Scene — M'Shift's Echo and Address Office, Adver* 
Using Lists, and Statute Rooms. 

Enter M'Shift. 

M^Shift. By the powers now but ray setting up this 
Address Office, show'd no small address in me. I hadn't 
a place in all the world, when I undertook to supply all 
the world with places ; but it was high time to begin 
advertising when I'd lost every thing. Oh, fait, not a 
word should I have had to say for myself, if it hadn't 
been for my Echo Office here. But where the divil is 
Jolt, that he doesn't bring the papers this morning ? — 
Does'nt he know I want to compose my lists ? Och, I'm 
a great author ; I write all my books with a pair of scis- 
sars. (Jolt sings without) Eh, here he comes : well, Jolt ! 
Enter Jolt. 

Jolt. Here bees I, Measter Makeshift. 

M'Shift. Makeshift ! M'Shift, bad manners to you : 
you little Yorkshire gossoon ; e'nt I descended from the O* 
Mac's of Trotterbogslough ? Would you go then to insi- 
nuate any thing about making shift to a person of my 
navings? 



2 WANTED A WIFE ; OH, 

Jolt. Your havings ! why what have you ? 

.M' Shift What have I, dolt? Hav'nt I my own beau- 
tiful brains ; and hav'nt I this elegant Address Office here; 
and then haven't I you ? e'nt you my amanuensis ? 

Jolt. Why yes ; I am your man of senses, certainly. 

M'Shift But where are the papers that I may go to 
work? 

Jolt. Here they be. 

M< Shift. Let me see them : what have we here? the 
Herald, Chronicle, Traveller, and British Press! Why 
here are not half of them : where's the Statesman ? 

Jolt. Oh, newsman do say, the Statesmen be all sold. 

M l Shift Och, murder! but where's the Post? I doift 
see the Post. 

Jolt. Na, nor I did'nt see the post, or else I'd never 
ha' gotten this big thump of the head that I have. 

M* Shift. Och, you bog-trotter — but come, give me the 
Day. 

Jolt. You'll have the Day to-morrow. 

M 6 Shift. And are these all you've brought ? 

Jolt. Yes. I should ha' brought some more; but the 
Barber had the Whig ; and they told I at the office Pilot 
had'nt arrived, Star were not out, and that there were no 
News. 

M'Shift Well, let me give a small ogle at the contents 
of these tell-tales. Wheugh ! here's five hundred " wanted 
to borrow," to one " money to lend." " Matrimony !" why, 
that's the young jontleman's advertisement that was here 
yesterday, and is to be here again this morning : he wants 
a young wife — has any one applied ? 

Jolt Yeas, ould Lady Totterdo wn. ( Wild, seen without) 

M'Shift. Och ! here he is : upon my word he seems to 
have been a mighty high fellow in his time, though he 
looks a little low in the world at present.— The top of the 
morning to your honor. 



A CHEC^UE ON MY BANKER. «5 

Enter Wildfire. 

Wild. Good morning to you, my honest fellow. Has 
there been any one enquiring after me yet ? 

M ( Shift, Not a soul, man or beast. 

Wild. Then Frank has'nt arrived. Well, my game's 
up. I've gone through every act of a first-rate fashion- 
able but the last — 

M< Shift. And what's that, if I may be so bold? 

Wild. The Insolvent Act. I've only to take the 
benefit of that to be completely cursed. Yes, it's all over 
now. They no sooner found I run short at Long's, than 
the Greeks used me like a Trojan. 

Jolt. What be your name, sir ? 

Wild. Arthur Wildfire. 

Jolt. Because, you see, master wishes me to put your 
name in our books. 

Wild. Yes, yes ; I know, it's customary — all my trades- 
men have my name down in their books, and egad, are 
likely to have (aside) ; but where the deuce can Frank 
be ? That fellow is the only one of my fashionable in- 
cumbrances, except my tradesmen's bills, that I haven't 
long since got rid of : I must discharge him : that's easily 
done — but how to discharge his wages ! there is but one 
way — I must give him a checque on my banker ; that I 
can do with perfect safety ; for I'm very certain, let me 
draw for what I will " no effects " will follow. 

M'Shift. How melancholy he looks ! Och, what a pity 
it is, he has'nt a little whiskey to cheer him. Fait, but 
I'll go and take a drop in private Jolt, jump about, you 
divil, and get every thing ready, before you see the turn 
of my back again. [Exit, 

Wild. Let me consider for a moment, the situation in 
which I am placed : my father, Sir Wilful Wildfire, con- 
sidering matrimony literally a matter of money, coolly 
commands me to marry a certain Miss Arragon. a lady I 
have never seen, though half my ancestors have. I in- 



4 WANTED A WIFE ; OR, 

dignantly refuse ; he obstinately insists : and Ave part 
mutually enraged — I am eut off with a shilling-, and find 
too late that the very couese I took to avoid matrimony 
brings me to it, I have stuck up an invitation in the 
shape of an advertisement here, which I think will prove 
effective — but egad, I'll take this fellow's opinion on it. — 
What's your name, friend? 

Jolt. John Jolter, sir. 

Wild. Read that advertisement, and tell me candidly 
what you think of it. 

Jolt. 1 wool, Sir. " Matrimony. — To the fair Sex.— 
<c A young gentleman of prepossessing person — " 

Wild. Yes, that's me. 

Jolt. You, sir ; dang it, if I didn't think it were I. 

Wild, No, it's I. 

Jolt. Be it though ?— " and dress—" 

Wild. Dress ! no, that's not very prepossessing — " ad- 
" dress." 

Jolt. " Address, good education, aud superior connec- 
*• tions, would be happy to form an union with any lady 
M similarly circumstanced, whose fortune may be found 
" adequate to his expectations." 

Wild. Yes, yes ; that's coming to the point. 

Jolt. It be indeed ; but you don't say any thing about 
fulfilling to* expectations, eh! But I'll finish — c 1 the strictest 
*• honor may be relied upon. Apply at M'Shift's Address 
•• Office any morning before one, where the gentleman 
" will attend." 

Wild. There, what do you think of it? 

Jolt. Why, it will do ; but you ought to ha' put in 
some signal for them to ha' known you by : such as pull- 
ing out your handkerchief now, twiddling your thumbs, 
tying your shoe-string, or any little thing of that kind ; 
but it will do. 

Wild. Yes, I think it will ; but where the devil is 
Frank? that fellow is always sure to be out of the way 



A CHECQUE ON MY BANKER. 5 

when he's wanted—I must step out and look for him, for 
the sooner I get rid of such an idle varlet the better : were 
there no other reasons, he has the impudence to run into 
every folly under the sun, and then shelters himself by 
remarking he is only following my example. [Exit. 

Jolt, Gad, if he should happen to get a wife with a 
tightish bit of money by this : dang me, if I doan't adver- 
tise myself : I doan't see why I han't as good a chance 
as he : I'm every bit as sightly ; and then as for parts — 
but comparisons sow no parsnips, as the man said : so let 
the girls be judge o' that. Who be this? 
Enter Frank. 

Frank. Yes, I'm right: this is the place, M'Shift's 
Address Office, sure enough ; but where's my master ? 
not come yet, I suppose ; he's past his time ; sometimes 
he can be before it ; witness my last quadrille party, 
which he interrupted so completely in the middle. [Jolt, 
advancing and hitting Frank on the shoulder.] Zounds, 
what a dislocater ! Who are you, my fine fellow ? 

Jolt. John Jolt, sir, at your service. Be you come 
after a servant, sir? 

Frank. Come after a servant ? No, friend: I'm come 
after a master. 

Jolt. Dickens ! what a fine gentleman to have a mas- 
ter ! I suppose his pleace be one of those grand pleaces 
we do read of in papers. 

Frank. Who in heaven's name do you belong to, friend? 

Jolt. To Measter Makeshift, sir, at your sarvice. I be 
his man of senses — be you come to be hired, sir? 

Frank. No, faith, I come here to be discharged. 

Jolt. Discharged ! Why these be the statute rooms, and 
you ha' nothing to do but to write down what you want 
for half a crown, in master's advertising lists, and you'll be 
hired directly. 

Frank. Write down what I want for half a crown ! — 
Oh, I see : what I want is a good place ; that is, large 
wages, and little work. Yes, I'll take this bumpkin's ad- 



& 

vice and advertise here ; but no more waiting on gentle- 
men : no, no, I'll become a lady's man now. — Here, clod, 
give me the pen and ink. 

Jolt. Here it be, sir. 

Frank. Now then let me see. (writes) — " To the Ladies : 
u Wanted a situation — wait on a lady — young man — gen- 
" teel address — prepossessing person — good education — 
" moved in the first circles — liberal remuneration. Apply, 
" M'Shift's Statute Rooms every morning till two." — 
There, I think that's the thing ; brief and expressive, short 
and sweet. Jolt, go and stick that on your show-board 
at the door, d'ye mark, and get a copy of it made for 
your lists, (giving him money.) 

Jolt. I wool. [Exit, 

Frank. Soh, that's accomplished: but where's my 
master ? Talk of the devil, they say, and — he's here. 

Enter Wildfire. 

Wild. So, sir, you've arrived at last. 

Frank. Yes, sir, at your service. 

Wild. Not at my service long, I hope. I must pick a 
quarrel with him, to prevent his guessing the reason of 
my parting with him. (aside.) I presume, sir, you know 
why I sent for you ? 

Frank. Why yes, sir ; I believe I can give a pretty 
good guess : I suppose I'm come for to go, as the saying 
is. 

Wild. Right sir, and the sooner the better: I cannot 
too speedily be rid of such an idle, graceless, extrava- 
gant rascal ; a fellow with a thousand bad habits. 

Frank. Bad habits, sir. Excuse me there, I flatter 
myself you always allowed I dressed well. 

Wild. Dressed well, sir : you dressed too well : how dare 
a menial, like you, aspire to the notoriety of ruining four 
tailors, as I am credibly informed you have done? 

Frank. Pardon me, sir : I always gave your tradesmen 
the preference $ and no one could dare flatter himself with 



A CHECQUE ON MY BANKER. 7 

the exclusive ruin of a man, when he recollects you too 
were a customer. 

Wild. What do you mean by that, sir ? Zounds ! if 
there isn't my last new coat on his back ! it didn't fit me, 
but it seems quite at home with him : this is quite of a 
piece with your quadrille parties, and your converzationes ; 
but, thank heaven, I am rid of such a reprobate — hence- 
forth, I'll have some one I can rely on, some one a little 
more attentive to my interests : I'll wait on myself(Gmc?e) 
not such an extravagant spendthrift as you, sir ; but I 
discharge you ; yes, sir, discharge you — well, why don't 
you go ? 

Frank. Go, sir? 

Wild. Yes, go, sir — haven't I discharged you ? 

Frank. Yes, sir ; you have discharged me, but you 
haven't discharged my little account here. I have him 
there (aside.) 

Wild. Oh, curse the fellow's memory! I must give 
him a checque on my banker, after all I see (aside.) Your 
account ? Oh, sir, you shall have your account ; any 
thing to get rid of such an idle, worthless — what is the 
amount of it, sir ? 

Frank. There's the bill ; it's not very long — merely fif- 
teen pounds wages, and five pounds for silk stockings and 
walking sticks ; in all twenty pounds. 

Wild. Very well, sir j you shall be paid certainly — I'll 
give you a checque on my banker directly. 

Frank. A checque, sir ? 

Wild. Yes, in payment of your account. Did you 
never receive a checque from me before ? 

Frank. Oh, yes, sir, very often when I've asked you 
for money. 

Wild, (writing) " Messrs. Aldgate, Handle, and Co. pay 
Frank Cleverly or bearer twenty pounds — Arthur Wild- 
fire." — There, sir, now be off: and never letjme see your im- 
pudent face, again — he seems very loath to depart ; I hope he 



8 WANTED A WIFE ; OR 3 

don't suspect any thing (aside.') Well, sir, why e'nt you 
off? you appear strangely reluctant, methinks— but no 
wonder you should linger with regret ; when you reflect 
what a good master your imprudence has lost you— - 
you'll never get such another. 

Frank. Very true, sir : I wish he'd go : I may expect 
a pretty character, if any one comes to hire me while he's 
here! (aside) 

Wild. Should any rich heiress apply, and find this 
blockhead here, what an exposure ! I must get him off— 
(aside) the London coaches set off at eleven : if you do not 
return to the inn, you'll be too late. 

Frank. I an't going by the coach, thankye, sir : he's 
immoveable! I must get him off— (aside) looks like 
rain, sir — we shall have a shower — you'll get wet, sir, if 
you don't make haste. 

Wild. I'm not going to leave this place for some time : 
but you, Frank, you'll be sure to get w r et ; therefore you'd 
better set off directly — bless me ! how dark it's getting — 
don't lose a moment — I know you are loath to part with 
me : but my resolution is fixed : you must go : therefore 
repress your feelings, and go, my good fellow, at once. — 
Good day ! good day ! 

Frank. Curse.him, he won't budge ; so I must: (aside) 
good bye, sir — I'll be back soon though, or good bye to my 
poor advertisement — good day, sir — wish you at the devil! 

[aside.] 

Wild, Thank ye, Frank ; thank ye : glad you're off (aside) 
[forces Frank out.] Soh! I've got rid of him at last — 
think he suspected something, but thank Heaven, before 
he can come back again, I hope either to be the husband 
of a rich wife, or far enough out of his reach. Now I've 
got rid of him, I'll step into the next room, and watch the 
effect of my advertisement. 

[Exit. 



A CHECQU,E ON MY BANKER. 9 

Enter M'Shift. 
M'Shift. By the hookey now, business tumbles in 
apace! another advertisement: and paid for too. Who's 
this? another customer? 

Enter Jonathan Curry. 

Jon. Good morning, sir: how do you do, sir? 

M i Shift, Och, beautiful, sir; I hope you're the same. 

Jon. Charming: I'm much obliged to you, sir — though 
I believe, I don't exactly look so. 

M'Shift. Why, not exactly! he'd frighten a milestone! 

[aside, 

Jon. I hope your wife and family are well, sir? 

M'Shift. Fait, sir, I can't say : for I don't happen to 
have any. 

Jon. I beg your pardon, sir: very fine morning this— * 
charming weather for the corn— mayhap you don't know 
who I am? 

M'Shift. No sir, divil burn me if I do. — I hope a cus- 
tomer. 

Jon. I'm Jonathan Curry; butler at Castleton Hall 
here: shall be very glad to see you in my pantry, any time, 
to drink a horn of ale. 

M'Shift. Upon my conscience, sir, but you're mighty 
civil ! 

Jon. Why yes, sir, I love to be civil: civility costs one 
nothing. You've a very snug place, here: how do you find 
business ? 

M'Shift. Oh, mighty brisk. 

Jon. I'm very happy to hear it, sir : I just stepp'd in 
to let you know, that my young lady, the heiress of Cas- 
tleton, and Sir Gabriel, her guardian, with old Miss 
Arragon, my young lady's aunt, are coming to look 
at your lists this morning. 

M'Shift. They'll be in high luck; for I've just made 
them up. 



10 WANTED A 

Jon. My young lady, you see, is a little high flighty, 
and prides herself a great deal about her descent : she is 
always talking of supporting the house, and raising her 
establishment. 

M l Shift. Supporting the house, and raising her establish- 
ment! by Saint Patrick, but that's straDge employment for 
a young lady. 

Jon. She passes her time in reading about knights 
and heroines ; and talks of reviving the few-dull days, 
and keeping alive the spirits of her ancestors : she calls 
me the Seneschal ; and is going to have a squire for a 
footman : he's to be a sort of gentleman at arms like ; and 
as I'm not young enough, I've. recommended her to come 
here to get one. 

M' Shift. And she could'nt come to a better place ! for 
sooner than she shall be disappointed, I'll be her gentleman 
at arms, and groom of the chamber myself. Och! but 
she's a girl of spirit ! 

Jon. But that's no reason she should be fond of fighting ; 
I'm sure, I'm not. 

ftl i Shift. You've not the Irish fancy then : we're never 
at peace, but when we're at war : a few blows alway 
settles all our words. Och! I should be a rare squire for 
her: I can fight like a game cock at all times: but when a 
lady's in the case, fait myself is a whole army. 

Jon. Well then, there's old Miss : she be looking out for 
a husband : she has been cross'd in love as it were, by a 
Mr. Wildfire; perhaps, sir, you can help her to what 
she wants. 

M' Shift. That can I : I help gentlemen to grooms, and 
ladies to bridegrooms : and she shall have an unmarried 
husband, as soon as she likes ; — there's a young gentleman 
in waiting, at this present writing, to take any lady to 
church that's in want of the parson. 

Jon. I thought so, that was the reason I recommended 
her to come. 



A CHECQUE ON MY BANKER. 11 

M'Shift. On my conscience now, but you're a mighty 
good sort of person ; and I'm greatly obliged to you — 
won't you take a needleful of whisky? 

Jon. Why, you're very good, sir : if it isn't giving you 
too much trouble to get it. 

M'Shift. Och! not at all, my darling: the trouble 
would be, if I could not get it; — but it's snug enough; 
and I'll whisky it here, in a jiffey. [Exit. 

Jon. This makes good what I say ; one never loses any 

thing by being civil. Eh ! who is 

Enter Jolt. 

Jon. How do you do, sir ? I hope you're very 
well? 

Jolt. Why, pretty well, I thankye, sir : same to you ; 
keep on your hat, sur ; I'm not measter. 

Jon. No ! — then who are you? 

Jolt. John Jolt, sir — oh, here master comes. 
Enter M'Shift. 

M'Shift. Now then : och, Jolt, are you there, darling ? 
Here'll be a lady here, after a husband presently ; you may 
be wanted — be sur© now, you're in the way, and shew her 
the young gentleman's advertisement. 

Jolt. Never fear, sur ; I always ha' an eye to business. 
You've got the bottle there, I see : I doan't mind if I take 
a drop with you. 

M'Shift. Come on then [filling a glass.] My service 
to you ! [drinks.] Now, sir, [filling a glass, and giving 
it to Jon. Curry*] 

Jon. Your very good health, sir: I hope my recom- 
mendation may put a guinea or two in your pocket. I 
shan't look for the least reward, I assure you. [drinks. 

M'Shift. Upon my soul now, but you're better than 
good, sir; but what do I see. 

Sir Gab: [without] This way, this way : here is the 
Echo-Office. 

M'Shift. Hey! here come the quality. Jolt, you divil, 
take the bottle behind the door. 



12 WANTED A WIFE ; OU, 

Jolt. I wool : and I'll take a glass behind the door, 
too. (aside) 

M* Shift* Put the liquor out of the way, whatever you 
do. 

Jolt. Aye, aye: it will be out of the way enough, 
where I'll put it. 

[Jolt retires ivilh the bottle and glasses. 

Enter Sir Gabriel, Miss Arragon, and Miss 
Catherine Arragon. 

Sir G. I tell you, Miss Catherine Arragon, you're a 
perfect female Quixote ; a very Black Prince in petticoats ; 
a second Madam D'Eon; what the deuce do you want 
with a gentleman at arms, or squire? E'nt there Jonathan 
to attend on you? honest Jonathan: the most obliging, 
civil, quiet creature in the world. 

Cath. Those negative virtues of quietness and civility, 
Sir Gabriel, are what I object to. I want some one to 
protect me from insult, lead my vassals to the field ; one 
that will uphold the ancient customs of my house, and 
prevent the illustrious name of Castleton from coming to 
dishonour and decay. I am the last of the house of 
Castleton, and must keep alive its memory. 

Sir G. Marry, marry, what must the world think? A 
young maiden lady coming .to an advertizing-office, to 
procure a gentleman at arms' as she calls it? 

Cath. It is perfectly consonant with the laws of chi- 
valry, Sir Gabriel, for a young maiden to procure a knight 
from the lists : I could produce many precedents of such 
occurrences. 

Sir G. Ah ! always thinking of those cursed days of 
chivalry: I hate such follies: you'd better mount a ro- 
sinante, and turn knight errant at once : don't you, every 
day as it is, dine in state, as you call it, in your great hall? 
Keeping open castle, and feeding all the vagabonds for 
twenty miles round? Ihen instead of your own proper name, 



A CHECQUE ON MY BANKER. 13 

Catherine Arragon, don't you call yourself, and make 
every body else call you, the heiress of Castleton — the 
lady of Castleton, and fifty other titles, as high sounding 
and nonsensical ? but I've done with you : I have written 
to *your other, guardians, General Malabar, and Sir 
Wilful Wildfire, and— 

Miss A. Wildfire ! oh ! cruel, insensible youth ! 

Sir G. Curse it! I've touch'd upon the tender string as 
she calls it — no matter : having seen you safely here, I 
shall leave you to yourselves ; or egad, I shall be too late 
for the grand review of our volunteers to day. Colonel 
Waddle is to be on the ground precisely at twelve : I 
wouldn't miss the sight for a thousand ; then Ballast goes 
up in his balloon, at two : have you secured me a place 
in the steeple, Jonathan? 

Jon. Yes, Sir Gabriel : right under the weathercock. 

Sir Q. Right under the weathercock ? Charming! a man 
might be truly vain in such a situation. I shall be back to 
dinner, for I believe there is nothing more to be seen to-day. 
Next week I start for town ; there I've got to walk over 
the Southwark bridge, visit the wonderful Salamander, 
have my fortune told by Toby the pig, and practice the rule 
of three, with the learned dog in Pall Mall : but, I must be 
off: it wants but ten minutes to twelve: the review will 
begin directly. I hear the rolling of the drums, the 
clangor of the trumpets ; I pant to be there ; my soul's in 
arms, " The soldier tired of war's alarms," &c. [Exit. 

Enter Jolt. 

Cath. Eccentric, happy creature ! always something 
in expectation — some pleasure to come ! But I must hasten 
to settle the business of the morning. Give me one of 
your lists, friend : it may, perhaps, help to accomplish my 
wishes. 

Jolt. I wool, Miss: never fear, there be what you wish 
/or there, (giving her 1st book.} 



14 WANTED A WIFE 



Cath. Where? why, what is this? "Matrimony!" Psha! 
that's not what I wish for, friend ! 

Jolt. Bean'tit? well, that be odd ; I thought all young 
ladies wish'd for Matrimony. 

Miss A. Matrimony, did she say ? Bless me, how «my 
poor little heart does flutter ! Lie still, thou foolish trem- 
bler ! Oh, Wildfire ! cruel Wildfire ! 

Cath. I do not see any thing here to suit me : take this 
list away, friend ; and bring me another: I wish \o engage 
a young man, somewhat superior to the general, to head 
my household. 

Jolt. Why then, flashy chap Will just suit her : he be 
superior, sure enough — here, Miss ; here be what you 
want, — {giving second book and going to put the other 
away.] 

Miss A. Do not put that book a,way, young man ; but 
bring it to me : there is something there, I believe, will 
suit me, though it does not that young lady. 

Jolt. What, the Matrimony, old one ? He ! he ! he ! 

Miss A. What is the fellow laughing at? Give me the 
book, blockhead ; and none of your impertinent observa- 
tions, if you please. {Exit Jolt.) Let me retire, and con- 
template the treasure in secret : my agitation may betray 
me here. [Exit. 

Cath. What is this ? e To attend on a Lady ! young 
man, genteel address! liberal education! been used to 
high life! 'This is indeed beyond my hopes. It is doubtless, 
some poor youth, reduced to dependence by misfortune ; 
and my servitude will sit lightly on him-—" May be seen at 
M'Shift's Statute Rooms"— He then is here. 
Enter Wildfire. 

Wild. Now, what luck with my advertisement ? Ha ! 
a lady! and reading the lists: perhaps my notice! 
how fortunate ! 

Cath. That superior air ! This must be the object of 
my search, {aside) I believe, sir, I am not mistaken : 



A CHECQ13E ON MY BANKFR. 15 

you attend here, in consequence of an advertisement ad- 
dressed to a lady ? 

Wild. Yes, Ma'am. 

Cath. I was wishing to meet a person circumstanced 
as you here describe yourself! You have, doubtless, 
family reasons for wishing to enter this situation ? 

Wild. Family reasons ! Zounds, she suspects something 
I fear ; it will be best for me to be explicit, (aside.) I 
cannot deny it ! 

Cath. Embarrassments, I presume ? Nay, believe me, 
I wish not to wound your feelings. I can sympathize 
with the unfortunate ; and as far as my fortune will per- 
mit me, will assist them. 

Wild. Generous creature ! 

Cath. I have long wish'd to meet some one, who 
would attach himself particularly to my person. 

Wild. In this early period of our acquaintance, pru- 
dence forbids me, Madam, to disclose the patronymic of 
my family ; but my christian name is Arthur. 

Cath. Arthur! It is chivalric, and noble! Just the 
name I wished — you can, of course, be well recom- 
mended ? 

Wild. Well recommended, Madam 1 

Cath. Yes ; will any of the ladies you have formerly 
lived with, speak as to your capabilities for entering into 
my service ? 

Wild, (aside.) That's an amazingly strange question, 
methinks. 

Cath. But I mistake : this is your first situation of the 
kind, I believe ? 

Wild. The very first, upon my honour : — why, zounds ! 
She did not think I had been married before ; did she ? 
(aside.) 

Cath. Y ou allude to a liberal settlement. Make your- 
self easy, I am rich. There is one thing I must mention 



16 WANTED A WIFE ; OR, 

— my guardian, perhaps, may start objections to the 
arrangement I have made. 

Wild. I should wonder if he didn't, (aside) 

Cath. But I am determined to be absolute in mjr own 
territory ; it would be very hard if I couldn't have my 
way in an affair like this : therefore, follow me to Cas- 
tleton, and every thing shall be settled. [Exit. 

Wild. Oh, Fortune ! Fortune ! I forgive you all, you 
jade, for this. — Young, handsome and wealthy ! And to 
throw herself into my arms at the first glance ! Oh ! it's 
too much ! What an irresistible, lucky, impudent scoun- 
drel I must be ! — Faith, I don't know whether I'm stand- 
ing on my head or my heels ! [Exit. 
Enter Frank Cleverly. 

Frank. Soh ! he's gone off at last ; and with a very 
smart girl too. — Oh, the devil's in him for getting hold of 
the girls ; — but, let me see if there's any luck for me. I 
wonder whether any body has seen my advertisement 
yet ? — Hey ! who's this ? a lady by all my hopes ! per- 
haps come after me ? rather of the ancient order. No 
matter, the service of these old dowagers often turns out 
very profitable to a young fellow. 

Enter Miss Arragon. 

Miss A. Thank Heaven, my niece has departed, at last; 
and I can peruse this dear morceau quite undisturbedly. 
" Matrimony — young — prepossessing — happy to form an 
" union — any lady — " Why, who is this regarding me so 
stedfastly? (aside.') 

Frank. She's certainly reading my advertisement ! 

Miss A. That earnest gaze! It must be the interesting 
youth himself! How my heart beats! Be hush'd, thou 
little flutterer. {aside.) 

Frank. Yes, I am right : I beg pardon, madam ; but 
you were looking at an advertisement? 



A CHECQUfi ON MY BANKER. 17 

Miss A. Addressed to the fair sex, sir. 

Frank. Yes, ma'am. 

Miss A. Oh, my heart ! Are you the gentleman, then, 
sir, that would be happy to engage with a lady ? 

Frank. Yes, madam : very much at your service — it's 
a done thing : I'm hired ! I'll have fifty guineas wages — 
an allowance for vails and canes, and all my clothes 
found me, lucky dog! (aside.) 

Miss A. What an embarrassing situation! he seems as 
confused as myself : I must relieve the dear youth! — i 
Hem ! hem ! did you speak, sir? 

Frank. Oh! Oh — invites me to break the ice: rather 
rustic it appears — Yes, ma'am. 

Miss A. You were remarking, I believe 

Frank. Very true, ma'am, I was remarking that, that 
— oh, I have it : I was remarking, madam, I should be 
extremely happy to be your humble servant. 

Miss A. Oh, sir! 

Frank. I shall be ready, at a moment's notice. 

Miss A. Ardent youth ! yet, I cannot be angry at a 
warmth so flattering, (aside) A business like this, sir, 
requires consideration. 

Frank. Ah, madam : should you give me the prefer- 
ence, I trust my endeavours, my assiduity, attention to 
your interests, and all that 

Miss A. I have no doubt of it, sir: and will go so far 
as to say, I should be glad to see you at the Hall, as soon 
as you can make it convenient : in the mean time, I will 
speak to Sir Gabriel and the heiress on the subject : and 
if they approve, I can then be ready to listen to your 
proposals. 

Frank. See me in the Hall ! Sir Gabriel and the heiress ! 
why what a Gabriel must I be ! This must be the house- 
keeper — the hall she speaks of, the servants' hall ; and 
Sir Gabriel, and the heiress, the master and mistress — 



18 WANTED A WIFE ; OR, 

she's sent here to hire me : yes, now I look again, she has 
all the venerable graces of a A da,me of the keys — how 
could I be so mistaken ? (aside) 

Miss A. He pauses: he is certainly going to put the 
question tome! what shall I answer? (aside) 

Frank. I'll ask her to engage me at once (aside.) 
Dearest lady, why keep me in suspense ? why not fix a 
day ? I burn to become one of the family. 

Miss A. Impetuous youth ! But I must take pity on 
him(aside) — well then, this day week. 

Frank. A week ! Zounds, I shall die with hunger be- 
fore then (aside.) Why not to-day ! you had better settle 
it at once. 

Miss A. But the family. 

Frank. Psha ! the family need'nt know any thing 
about it, till we chuse to tell them. 

Miss A. A clandestine marriage ! Oh ! the dear deluder 
(aside.) Since you are so urgent, we will proceed to- 
gether to the Hall : where you will see Sir Gabriel : the 
old gentleman will perhaps object to my compliance on 
so short an acquaintance : but he knows I will have my 
own way. 

Frank. The old gentleman, who the deuce is he ? some 
fellow servant perhaps : the butler, I dare say. I'll kick 
him, if he's troublesome : that's soon settled. Allow me, 
madam, the extremity of your little finger. 

Miss A. Oh, sir ! you're so gallant : you've such a 
way with you, I protest there's no refusing you. 

Frank. The place is mine! I'm in service again! 
lucky dog ! Here Barney M'Shift, Jolt, shew us out, you 
dogs! 

Enter Jolt and Barney. 

M i Shift. And is it me you want, your honour? 

Jolt Here bees I : ecod he's hooked the old one. 

M< Shift. Och, you devil, but you've bamboozled her 
nicely ! 



A CHECQUE ON MY BANKER. 19 

Frank. Hush, you dog ; I shall come down handsomely. 
This way, madam, this way. Hurrah ! Jolt,M'Shift, allons, 
rascals, allons. 

Jolt and Barney. This way, this way, your honour : 
he's got her ! he's got her ! 

[Exeunt Frank and Miss Arragon, shewn out by 
Jolt and Barney. 



END OF THE FIRST ACT, 



20 WANTED A WIFE ; Off, 



ACT IL 

SCENE I. 
An Apartment in the Gothic Style at Castleton-Hall. 

Enter Wildfire and Catherine. 

Cath. Well, Arthur ; what think you of Castleton ? is 
it not a fit residence for the heiress of a family like mine ? 

Wild. It is indeed a magnificent pile ; it throws one's 
imagination back to the romantic inspiring days of 
chivalry, when every maiden was chaste and lovely ; 
and every youth was constant and brave : these 
towers seem the very temple of high soui'd sentiment, 
and in you, must we worship its presiding deity (kneels.') 

Cath. Romantic, interesting creature (aside.) You 
think then, that in this castle, you can pass your time 
with pleasure ? 

Wild. With rapture ! it will be elysium ! 

Cath. Your duties will be few : you will merely have 
to attend me on all state occasions. 

Wild. That you may rely on it, I shall not fail to do. 

(aside.) 

Cath. You will be my squire ; my gentleman at arms : 
my purse-bearer. 

Wild. Your purse-bearer ! that is exactly what I wish 
to be (aside.) 

Cath. I am now going to my boudoir : the person who 
is coming this way, will answer you any questions you 
may wish to ask. Farewell ! I shall take speedy steps to 



A CHECQUE ON MY BANKER. 21 

have you permanently fixed at the head of my establish* 
ment. 

Wild. Farewell ! sweet excellence ! 

Cath. Poor young man! he is carried beyond himself, 
by his good fortune in obtaining this place {aside. ,) 

[Exit Catherine. 

Wild. She must be devilish fond of me, to wish to set- 
tle every thing so quickly ; but so much the better. A 
noble castle this, upon my soul! I'm a lucky dog! but 
who the deuce can this person be, that she wishes me to 
make enquiries of? he's a very respectable looking gentle 
man: I dare say some uncle? or perhaps the guardian 
she mentioned ; but mum ! here he is. 

Enter Jonathan. 

Jon. So the new servant's come : here's the man of 
arms that is to be, {aside .) Good morning, sir : I . hope 
you're very well: will you take any thing after your 
walk ? 

Wild. Sir, you're very good : I don't care if I do, a 
glass of wine and a biscuit will be very acceptable 

Jon. Should'nt you like a glass of ale, and a little bit 
of hock of bacon, better ? 

Wild. Hock of bacon, and ale in a morning !— a vul- 
gar rascal, {aside.) 

Jon. He's quite one of your gentlemen footmen, I see: 
well, sir, as it's the beginning of our acquaintance, I'll 
give you a glass of fine old Madeira that I got upon the 
sly. 

Wild. Got upon the sly ! Oh, smuggled ! 

Jon. Yes, sir, smuggled : we'll go, by and bye, sir, 
and take a glass together. 

Wild. Sir, you're vastly civil. 

Jon. Why, yes, sir, I like to be civil ; civility costs 
one nothing you know. 

Wild. I presume, sir, you know why I am here ? you 



22 WANTED A WIFE ; OR 5 

know my views, that is, the situation in which I am 
placed ? 

Jon. Yes, sir, perfectly well : I was the very person 
that help'd to put you in it. 

Wild. Oh ! I suppose you saw the advertisement first, 
and pointed it out to the lady ? 

Jon. I did, Sir: and told her she could'nt do better 
than make you her gentleman: not one in a hundred 
would have done it in my place— for you must know, 
sir, you have, what they call, put my nose out of joint. 

Wild. Oh, oh ! a rival ! but I'll not seem to notice 
it : pray, sir, what fortune is the lady possessed of? 

Jon. Afraid of his wages {aside.) There's no want of 
money, here. 

Wild. Bravo! 

Jon. You might have gone further, and far'd worse. 

Wild. If, sir, the lady has the fortune, you say, I don't 
care how soon I take her to church. 

Jon. To church! 

Wild. Yes, to church ! 

Jon. Oh, ah! true: you'll have to go with her to 
church. 

Wild. But when? that's the question! 

Jon. Why next Sunday, to be sure. 

Wild. Soh ! they've already settled it ! then it's all 
right : Sunday — -well, I can't modestly desire it to be 
sooner — But, come sir, suppose we drink the lady's 
health in the Madeira you were speaking of? and then 
we can talk over matters more at large. 

Jon. With ail my heart, sir ! we'll step into the pantry, 
and have it directly. 

Wild. Into the pantry ! what a low brute it is {aside.) 
had'nt we better step into the drawing-room, sir ? 

Jon. The drawing room ? Oh, Lord bless your life ! 
no ; master's there. 

Wild. Master! 



A CHECQUE ON MY BANKER. 23 

Jon. Ah : Sir Gabriel. 

Wild. Why then, who the devil are you ? 

Jon. Me? oh! I'm Jonathan Curry, the butler. 

Wild. Then, Mr. Jonathan Curry, the butler, I, must 
tell you, sir, I think you take great liberties. 

Jon. Sir, I beg pardon, if I've offended : but it's in my 
power, sir, to do a great many good offices for you. 

Wild. He wants a fee : and I hav'nt a sixpence. Shall 
I give him a checque on my banker ? No ; curse it that 
won't do. (aside.) 

Jon. And besides, sir, there's many little perquisites, 
it is proper should be talked about. 

Wild. What do you mean, sir ? 

Jon. Why, in respect to sharing in some of the things 
you'll have. 

Wild. What, some of the young lady's money ? 

Jon. Yes, sir. 

Wild. Here's a precious scoundrel ! pretends first to 
his lady, and when he finds I am going to have her, lays 
claim to his share of her property — Why, you impudent 
villain ! get out of my sight, rascal. 

Jon. Be civil; civility costs nothing. Here's a man at 
arms with a witness! [Exit forced out by Wildfire. 

SCENE II. 

Another Apartment in Castleton-Hall. 

Enter Sir Gabriel. 

Sir G. Charming ! charming ! never was present at a 
more imposing review in my life ! every thing went off 
well but the guns : — very stupid of Scribble the Poet, to 
be there. — No wonder he was run down by the light- 
horse in their heavy charge ; he ought to have known an 
author seldom 'scapes safe from a review — ah, Jonathan! 



24 



WANTED A WIFE ; OR, 



Enter Jonathan. 
Jon. Ah! Sir Gabriel: did you get a good sight in the 
steeple ? 

Sir G. Excellent, Jonathan; if there had been any 
thing to see ; to be sure, the balloon did go off : but not 
as we wish'd, for it turned out a bubble ; it burst : so, as 
it didn't go up, I came down; for I had got quite grave, 
looking in the church-yard so long— ah ! Jonathan, I'm a 
remarkable man. 

Jon. Yes, Sir Gabriel ; so you've often remarked. 
Sir G. I can safely say I have seen every thing 
worth seeing, for the last forty years; I have been at 
the laying of more first stones than would have built the 
Tower of Babel : I have seen more ships launch'd, than 
ever we had in the navy; and can boldly assert there 
never was a public dinner, let it have been ever so private, 
but I had a knife and fork there. 

Jon. What a deal you must have on your brain. 
Sir G. I have ; I'm a living chronicle ! would'nt miss 
any sight for the world. How many times have I been 
squeezed black and blue at the presentation of colours ? 
What martyrdoms have I suffered at the theatres ? See all 
the new pieces ! Support all the new actors ! I love the 
actors! know them all; they know me — a harmless, 
merry set — thoughtless sometimes : but we've all faults ; 
so I always give them my support ; and I will venture to 
say, my individual exertions have sav'd as many pieces 
as any man's — but you are going to say something, Jona- 
than ; what is it ? 

Jon. Why, Sir Gabriel, I've made^-a discovery ; old 
Miss has got a lover. 

Sir G. The devil she has! some vagabond, I'll be 
bound. Where the deuce did she pick him up ? 

Jon. She pick'd him up, in a newspaper, Sir Gabriel. 
Sir G. Ah ! some very light character. 



A CHECQUE ON MY BANKER. 25 

Jon. He was advertized — 

Sir G. Yes, I've no doubt, he's been advertized often 
enough : have you seen him, Jonathan ? 

Jon. No, Sir Gabriel ; I'm going to see him now : it 
will be but civil, you know, to enquire if he wants any 
thing. 

Sir G. Well, collect all you can from him ; though I 
dare say that w^on't be much — however, let me know 
what kind of a fellow he is, who he is, where he 
comes from, and whether he's ever seen any thing re- 
markable. 

Jon. Yes, Sir Gabriel ; I'll take care : good morning, 
Sir Gabriel. [Exit. 

Sir G. Ha ! ha ! ha ! So the old fool has got a sweet- 
heart at last ! well, we shall hear no more of Mr. Wild- 
fire now ; it will have that good effect — it's an ill wind — 
but let me be off, or I shall be too late for the Jingling 
match : then I've got to ride one of the Dandy Chargers 
round the village, and wait for the coming in of the 
newly invented patent safety coach. [Exit. 

SCENE III. 

Another Apartment in Castleton Hall. 

Enter Frank. 

Frank. Son ! here I am in possession, and settled once 
more in a comfortable service, thanks to a little flattery ; 
and what's better than all, I've got a place without a cha- 
racter ; no unusual thing now-a-days. 1 shouldn't wonder 
if the old lady isn't warm in the pocket: if she is, I must 
be warm in the person, and pay my best addresses to her 
Bank notes. Eh! who is this? a gentleman! Oh, Sir 
Gabriel, I dare say ? 

Enter Jonathan, 

Jon. Here he is: quite a smart gentleman, I declare! 

E 



W WANTED A 



OR, 



I don't wonder at old miss's picking him up ! How do you 
do, sir? I hope you're very well? 

Frank. Very well I thank you, sir ; I hope you're the same, 

Jon. Why, nothing extraordinary, sir; I just look'd 
in Mr. I forget your name sir. 

Frank. Frank, sir, Frank ! 

Jon. I just look'd in Mr. Franks ; to see if there was 
any thing you wanted : as you're but a stranger here, it's 
nothing but what's proper you know, Mr. Franks. 

Frank. You're very kind, sir ; you'll allow me to get 
you a chair, sir. 

Jon. Oh, Mr. Franks, I could'nt think of such a thing ; 
allow me to get you one. 

Frank. Oh, really, this is too much, sir ; your polite- 
ness is too much — pray be seated, sir. 

Jon. After you, Mr. Franks, if you please. 

Frank. Impossible ! Monstrou% civil to be sure ! poor 
fellow ! he thinks all this mighty well bred : wishes to 
encourage me : supposes I'm bashful, I dare say : cur- 
sedly mistaken though. 

Jon. Quite a real gentleman : no fear of speaking 
to him. You come from London, I believe, Mr. 
Franks ? 

Frank. Yes, sir, from London. 

Jon. Did you know any of the great people, there ? 

Frank. Oh, yes: I spent some months with Mr. 
O'Brien, and my Lord Spindle : and was quite the confi- 
dant of Sir Bilberry Fudge. 

Jon. Bless me, he's quite one of your tip-tops : I'm afraid 
I've been making too free with him : excuse my manner, 
Mr. Franks: one should'nt perhaps make so free with 
persons in such a different situation to ourselves ; but 
where one finds a person that knows themselves, it encou- 
rages one like. And a person as knows themselves, won't 
take no improper liberties on it you know ; Mr. Franks. 



A CHECQUE ON MY BANKER. 27 

Frank. A hint for me — certainly not, sir : for my part, 
I don't see why a servant isn't as good as another man, 
providing he behaves himself. 

Jon. Just my sentiment, Mr. Franks : I hate your 
proud upstarts ; servants are flesh and blood, as well as 
their masters ; I never domineers over those that are under 
me ; and after all, what's in*a title? No, no ; free and easy 
is my motto : not but what I likes civility. 

Frank. Freedom and ease, sir, all the world over ! we, 
exactly agree there. 

Jon. As you're old miss's favourite, you may command 
me, Mr. Franks, in any thing. 

Frank. You're extremely civil, sir. 

Jon. Why yes, I like to be civil : civility costs one 
nothing. 

Frank. Or else perhaps, he would'nt bestow it on me. 
. Jon. As old Miss has*pretty well fixed on you, I dare 
say you'll stay some time. here. 

Frank. I hope so, I don't care how long, (aside) 

Jon. You'll not be badly off, I can assure you : you'll 
find old Miss a very pleasant sort of body. 

Frank. So I think ; she's certainly a very good taste, 
or else she'd never have engaged me. 

Jon. Yes, she's an engaging woman, but I see her 
coming ; so I'll leave you together : I wish you a very 
good day, Mr. Franks. 

Frank. Good day, sir ; pray mind how you go. 

Jon. Don't trouble yourself, Mr. Franks, I beg. 

Frank. No trouble, sir ; let me see you to the door ; 
good day, sir. 

Jon. Good day, sir. Rare tidings for sir Gabriel ! 

[Exit Jonathan. 

Frank. So much for Sir Gabriel. Ha ! ha ! ha ! 
Enter Miss Arragon. 

Miss A. I beg your pardon, sir, for leaving you alone; 
but I was obliged to make a little alteration in my dress 



28 



WANTED A WIFE: OR. 



before dinner ; the heiress likes every one on her esta- 
blishment to do it : she is a great observer of etiquette, and 
it's as well to humour her ; but now, sir, you shall be in- 
troduced. 

Frank. I have already seen Sir Gabriel, my dear 
madam, and he is perfectly agreeable to our arrange- 
ments. 

Miss A. Indeed! I am very glad to hear that: the 
heiress will not then object, I am sure. 

Frank. I have found him an extremely worthy and 
civil gentleman ; but come, my dear madam, allow me the 
honor. 

Miss A. Oh, sir, my poor heart ! Heigho ! You are 

so polite, really there's no resisting you. Heigho ! heigho ! 

[Exeunt Frank and Miss Arragon. 

SCENE IV. 

Another Apartment in the Hall. 

Enter Wildfire. 

Wild. By heavens, this girl has surely bewitched me ! 
She fascinates me more and more, at every fresh [inter- 
view. Never did I behold such winning familiarity joined 
to such graceful dignity : she's here. 

Enter Catherine. 

Cath. Arthur, I've been searching for you : and yet I 
scarcely know why (aside.') Have you seen my guar- 
dian? 

Wild. I have not, my lovely mistress : I met one, I mis- 
took for him, an impudent rogue of a butler ; who under 
a shew of civility, was the most uncivil varlet I ever en- 
counter'd. I made bold to bestow on him a little gentle 
correction, to teach him better manners, both to yourself 
and me. 

Cath. It must have been Jonathan; but, Arthur, I men* 



A CHECQUE ON MY BANKER. 29 

tioned to you my wish that you would wear the surcoat 
of my family. 

Wild. Oh curse the surcoat! {aside.} Will you not 
excuse me ? 

Cath. Excuse you, when the object is to oblige me ? 
Surely, Arthur, you are too gallant to refuse to wear the 
colours of your lady ? 

Wild. Very whimsical this, but I must comply: I 
cannot refuse you any thing. 

Cath. This is indeed kind. [Rings a bell. 

Enter Jonathan. 

Jon. My lady ! Oh Lord ! here's the man at arms 

{aside} 

Cath. What is your fear? Be composed, I will pro- 
cure a pardon from this justly offended defender of my 
rights — you must forgive him, Arthur — be assured, friend, 
you are safe ; but use less freedom for the future. 

Jon. I will, my lady; thank'ye, my lady! 

Cath. Bring in the family surcoat. 

Jon. I've got it here, my lady : if the gentleman at 
arms will step this way I'll help him with it on. 

[Exeunt Jonathan and Wildfire. 

Cath. I thought he would not deny me this proof of 
his homage. 

Re-enter Wildfire in Surcoat. 

Wild. They may call it what they like : but to me it 
appears cursedly like a livery. 

Cath. Ah this indeed looks noble! Now you truly look 
as if you were a member of our family : I shall expect 
you to attend me at dinner in it. 

Wild. Most certainly : musn't be away at dinner-time 
on any account. {aside) 

Cath. In conformity with the ancient customs of our 
house, you will wait on me in the great hall. 

Wild. Any thing you can request. 



30 WANTED A WIFE ; OR, 

Oath. When I am ready for you I will ring a bell. 

[Exit. 

Wild. And when I am ready for you I will ring a belle. 
Behold me here like another Hercules — Oh Omnia vincit 
Amor! Curse the surcoat though, with another Omphale 
subdued to a petitcoat (bell rings) Hark, the bell invites 
me ! I come, my charmer. [Exit. 

SCENE V. 

The Great Hall, Tables laid out for Dinner. 

Enter Catherine and Wildfire. 

Cath. My aunt and Sir Gabriel have not yet arrived, 
I see; they will not be long : (noise without) Hey! what 
is that? 

Frank, (without.) Which way did you say, madam? 

Mis A. (without.) This way to the left, Sir : you 
will find them here. 

Wild. Why, zounds ; that's Frank's voice ,: surely he 
has presented the checque on my banker ? has discovered 
the trick, and come here burning with rage to expose 
me ! What the devil shall I do ? (aside.) 

Enter Miss Arragon and Frank. 

Miss A. This way, sir. 

Frank. Bless me, what a grand hall! why, I declare it 
looks just like a drawing room: the servants must have 
rare good places here ! Eh ! who is that fine tit, there ? 
Oh, I suppose the lady's maid. 

Wild. Yes, 'tis he ; sure enough, how can I get of£?(aside) 

Miss A. Niece, allow me to introduce this gentleman. 

Frank. Why, who the deuce is that ? Can I believe 
my eyes ! My master, by all that's good and gracious ! 
and in a livery too ! what mystery is this ? He is on his 
tricks here — oh, I see it all — he has heard at the office 
of my getting this place ; and is waiting here to have 
me kicked out— Oh, Lord ! what the devil shall I do ? 

(aside.) 



A CHECQUE ON MY BANKER. 31 

Wild, {aside.} He has spied me out! I shall be 
exposed. 

Miss A. (to Frank.} Come, sir, will you not be seated ? 

Frank. I must get off somehow or other — Ha ! I have 
it — Eh? did any body call? coming! 

Miss A. Why nobody calPd. 

Frank. Yes, I thought somebody calPd — I'm coming ! 
I'm coming ! 

Wild. He's going for a bailiff, or a constable, perhaps — 
what shall I do ? — I must be seized with a violent pain 
somewhere ; or else I shall be seized by an officer. Par- 
don me — a sudden indisposition. [Exit hastily. 

Frank. I'm coming, I tell you. [Exit hastily. 

Cath. What does all this mean, Arthur ? Arthur ! 

[Follows Arthur. 

Miss A. Coming? Bless me, I think he's going; it's 
very strange — here ! Mr. — what's your name ! 

[Follows Frank. 



END OF THE SECOND ACT. 



32 WANTED A WIFE; OR, 

ACT III. 

SCENE I. 

Outside of M'Shift's Echo Office, and Part of the 
Village. 

Enter M'Shift and J olt from the Office. 

M< Shift. Jolt, darling, take this paper ; it's the Press, 
and put it in the post for my friend Scribble, the Poet : he 
often goes to the press ; so it is but fair, you know, that 
the Press should sometimes go to him. 

Jolt. Be I to pay the postage of un ? for if he be a 
poet, you see, it's like enough he can't. 

M' Shift. Pay the postage, you blockhead ! Sure now, 
and don't you know that the British Press goes free ? 
Oh it would be a mighty bad thing for us all if it didn't 
— there, there, skip along. {Exit Jolt. 

Fait but business thrives apace — Eh ! what's this I see ? 
A wanderer ! no doubt in want of a place ; perhaps coming 
into my office. 

Enter Lillian Eden. 

Lillian. Whither have I strayed to? my form has 
caught the infection of my mind, and becomes as wan- 
dering as lost. 

M'Shift. Och, the little darling ! she's lost her way : 
well, I can set her all right there. 

Lillian. Wretched Lillian ! deprived by death of the 
tender solace of a mother, and by chance of the know- 
ledge of a father: I have no resource, no hope. 

M'Shift. Poor lambkin ! but I'm mighty sorry for that 
now. 

Lillian. Yes; I am indeed an orphan, without a home, 
a hope, a friend. 



\ ( HECQUE O.N MY BANKER. 33 

M*Shift Oh fail, then it's very clear she knows no- 
thing of Mr. Barney M'Shift: no female's in want of a 
friend that he's acquainted with — and so, my darling, you 
want to find a father, do you ? I've known many young- 
ladies in your situation : excuse my freedom : but it's my 
business, you see. I keep a bit of an office here, to find out 
what they want for every body. 

Lillian. Your sincerity is evident from your manner : 
I would willingly confide in you : but alas! I fear it is not 
in your power to serve me. 

M'Shift. 'Not in my power!' by the powers now, but 
I'm mighty sorry for that. 

Lillian. From my earliest infancy, I have resided with 
my mother, in this village : my father, I was taught to 
believe, had died abroad. We lived humbly and hap- 
pily together, till death deprived me of her care. In her 
last moments, she called me to her side, and revealed 
with tears, her melancholy history. She had married 
early in life, a young man superior in rank to herself, 
who, dreading his father's anger, made her swear never to 
reveal the secret of their nuptials. He deserted her for 
a foreign country. She withdrew from her native place, 
to hide her misery, assumed a fictitious name, and on the 
pittance he had left her, lived in hopes of his return. In 
vain — she died, left me to know I had a father, but with- 
out a clue to avail myself of my knowledge. His name 
she did not dare reveal, and even of her name I'm ig- 
norant. My cousin Frank, who only could inform me, 
left us when a boy, and has not since been heard of. 

M'Shift. Fait then, it's a nameless piece of business 
altogether, a mighty blind bargain indeed, something like 
looking for pearls in the bog of Ballynahack — What's to 
be done ? I have it — since we don't know what name to 
inquire for, nor what name Jo direct to, w r e'll do it by 
initials — direct to A. B, to enquire for X. Y. Z. — that 

F 



34 WANTED A WIFE ; OK* 

will do beautifully.—Och ! never say Barney M'Shift isn't 
a man of letters in a difficult piece of business. 

Lillian. Warm hearted creature! your intentions- are 
well meant, but the execution of them, is, T fear, impos- 
sible. 

M'Shift. And what a pity that is ; but it's an Irishman's- 
greatest misfortune, to let his heart run away with his 
head, and suffer his benevolence to bother his brains ; how- 
ever if we can't do any thing to find your father, sure we 
can do something to assist his daughter. Is'nt there plenty 
of nice snug situations and livings in my gift ? Didn't 
I this very morning suit one gentleman with a wife, and 
another with a service, and I don't know which of the two 
will have the best place of it 

Lillian. A situation! — that indeed promises some- 
thing. 

M'Shift. Say no more — You want to be housekeeper 
and companion to some rich old body ; I see what will- 
suit you at a glance. It shall be done in a twinkling — 
call on me to-morrow morning at this time, and I war- 
rant I'll have news for you — Nay ! Devil a bit will I 
take any deposit ; but when I've got you the situation, 
and you're once comfortably settled in it, I'll make my- 
self rich with the recompence of having done an accep- 
table piece of service to a pretty friendless young crea- 
ture, who was in want of my assistance. 

Lillian. Thank you, thank you. May the reward of 
Heaven increase in tenfold proportion a6 want of means 
may cripple that of Lillian Eden. 

[_Exit Lillian. 
M'Shift. Lilly of Eden, sweet creature ! so pretty 
spoken, and so pretty looking too. Oh! I'm in ecstacies. 
Though I've had seven wives already,if I was a trifle 
younger, devil burn me if I would'ntmake her the eighth 
Mrs. M'Shift !— Jolt, you devil ! 



A CHECQUE ON MY BANKER. 35 

Enter Jolt. 

Jolt. I've b-en to the post. 

M'Skift. And now come to me, and then I'll go to 
the young woman, and then I'll have a drop of the 
cratur, and then — 

Jolt. Ecod ! I think you've been having a drop of the 
cratur already. 

M'ShifL Not yet, but I will— We'll go off to the 
Cock and Bottle together. Sure now, business thrives 
apace, and it would be a burning shame if we was'nt 
both in good spirits. So come along ; Jolt, come along, 

[Exeunt. 

SCENE II. 

An Apartment in Castleton Hall. 

Enter Sir Gabriel. 

Sir G. Very strange behaviour of these new inmates of 
ours : their running away so oddly, seems as if they were 
runaways by profession. — Eh ! here comes one of them, 
my ward's gentleman at arms : I'll speak to him ; — but 
I must go cautiously to work, and sound the rogue. 
Enter Wildfire. 

Wildfire. Cursed unlucky Frank should have traced 
me here! Eh! who's this? Oh, the guardian in reality! 
I must accost him to do away suspicion — your most obe- 
dient, Sir Gabriel ! 

Sir G. How d'ye do, Arthur? 

Wildfire. Arthur! he's as familiar as his ward. 

Sir G. What do you think of Castleton Hall? there's 
a great many curiosities in it very well worth seeing, I 
can assure you, King William the Conqueror's porridge 
pot, and the jaw-bone of the dragon that was kill'd by 
Saint George. Do you find yourself comfortable ? 

Wildfire. Exceedingly; it is impossible lean do other- 
wise here. 



36 WANTED A WIFE ; OK 

Sir G. What think you of your lady ? 

Wildfire. She is an angel. 

Sir G. You imagine you shall be able to agree with 
her? 

Wildfire. We cannot disagree. 

Sir G. It is time then we should think of a settlement. 

Wildfire. Most certainly: he doesn't seem to object, as 
she thought he would, [aside."] 

Sir G. What terms did you think of proposing? 

Wildfire. "Why, I shall expect all the lady's ready mo- 
ney to be at my disposal. 

Sir G. The devil you will. 

Wildfire. I touch'd him there! — As for the estates: 
they will, of course, be settled on our eldest son. 

Sir G. Their eldest son! Am I standing on my head 
or my heels ;' Why, you haven't the consummate im- 
pudence to think of marrying my ward, have you ? 

Wildfire. To be sure I have ; or what the deuce did 
I come here, for? 

Sir G. What a brazen dog it is; but you must be jok- 
ing sure ; you can't think of such a thing. 

Wildfire. Think, my old buck; there's no thinking in 
the case; it's all settled. 

Sir G. Why you impudent, audacious varlet : here's 
confusion of ranks ! Do you know who you are talking 
to ? Have I been at every remarkable sight for the last 
forty years, coronations, illuminations, installations, pro- 
clamations, and celebrations to be treated in this manner. 
Do you know who I am you Jacobinical, democra- 
tical puppy? 

Wildfire. Aye, Aye : I know you better than you think 
I do, old Gaby, [aside,] 

Sir G. Old Gaby indeed ! Get out of my sight! get out 
of the house ! 

Wildfire. You may fume, and fret, and storm, and rave, 
as much as you like, old Gaby, but it's no use : 1 shall 



A CHECQUE ON MY BANKER. 37 

have her in spite of you. — What, you wanted to smuggle 
her all to yourself, did you? why you old fox. 

Sir G. I want to smuggle her ! I shall go mad! why 
you villain ; you rascal, you — 

Wildfire. Ha! ha! ha! that's right: go it, old Gaby! 
storm away, old boy: you'll leave off when you're tired: 
good bye, Gaby ! — I shall have her — you take it warmly, 
I take it coolly — goodbye! ha! ha! ha! [Exit Wildfire. 

Sir G. Old Gaby! have I liv'd all these years, and seen 
all the sights I have seen, to be call'd a Gaby at last; I 
shall expire ! Where is my ward ? that I may get an ex- 
planation of these doings. Dear me, he's put every 
thing out of my head, and I've so many sights to look 
after. [Exit 

SCENE III. 
Another Apartment. 
Enter Miss Arragon. 

Miss A. Yes, I must attribute it to the sweet delirium 
of love — these little flights must be expected from a pas- 
sion so ardent as his ; I must take pity on him, lest he 
should become desperate. 

Enter Jonathan. 

Jonathan. Eh ! here's Miss, I must be civil to her, or 
I shan't get any bride cake. [aside.'] How do you do, 
Miss? I hope you're very well? 

Miss A. Jonathan ! what can he want ? [aside'] Very well, 
Jonathan, I thank you. 

Jonathan. Very happy to hear it, Miss: is there any 
thing I can get you to-day ? [aside.'] Lord bless me ! who'd 
think any body would take a fancy to her old physiog- 
nomy ? 

Miss A. How he looks at me ! what can the fellow be 
so extraordinarily civil for — dear me ! I begin to feel 
quite alarmed ; he certainly has designs. 

Jonathan. I beg your pardon, Miss: I hope you won't 



38 WANTED A WIFE ; OR, 

think me. too bold; but if a certain circumstance should 
take place, may I ask the favor, to have a favor — I 
should certainly like to drink your health, and kiss hands 
on the occasion. 

Miss A. Kiss hands, oh Lord ! don't come near — 
Jonathan. Why, what a frustration old Miss is in ! 
[aside'] Good bye, Miss ! hope I hav'nt offended, good 
bye! 

Exit Jonathan. 

Miss A. The" wicked man ! Oh dear! I wish Mr. ■ 

Bless me, he is here ! how my heart throbs ! 
Enter Frank. 
Frank. I don't hear any thing of my master,and must 
have been mistaken. Eh ! here's the old housekeeper : 
what will she think of my running away ? I must cajole 
her. — My dear Madam. 

Miss A. Your most obedient, Sir. 
Frank. Receives me as usual : its all right! [aside'] 
Miss A. I have discovered, since we parted — 
Frank. What! I hope she has' nt discover' d me, [aside] 
Miss A. Excuse my blushes ; I have long suspected he 
had an attachment : I wished, therefore, to put you on 
your guard ; for you may depend upon it, he will do all 
he can to thwart your wishes, and blight our happiness 
Franks Let him do it if he dares : here he comes, pray 
retire : Mr. Jonathan is, I see, coming this way ; therefore, 
it's very probable we shall have a few words together. 

Miss A. Dearest Sir, do not be too rash: be careful of 
yourself for my sake — Heigho ! 

[Exit Miss Arragon. 
Frank. Soh ! I've got rid of the old woman : now for 
Mr. Jonathan. 

Enter Sir Gabriel. 
Sir G. Why, where can my ward be ? 
Frank. Hark ye, Mr. What's your name; a word with 
you. 



A CHECQUE ON MY BANKER. 3S* 

Sir G. Eh! the old woman's cher ami; this is a-pro- 
pos enough : Jonathan says, he's a quiet, civil, obliging, 
sort of a person ; so I can open my mind to him without 
reserve, [aside] Your most obedient, Sir. 

Frank. Devilish civil; but I'll soon spoil his civility 
for him. 

Sir G. I was wishing to meet with you, Sir : I have a 
few questions I must take the liberty of asking. 

Frank. With all my heart, Sir. 

Sir G. I hope you will not be offended, but con- 
sidering the nature of your engagement with the old 
lady, I think it is but proper that some enquiry should 
be made into your character and views; and as a person 
interested in her welfare, I feel myself bound to make 
that enquiry. 

Frank, [aside.] An impertinent scoundrel! he's letting 
it all out. 

Sir G. I have no reason to doubt your respectability : 
but there are a sad set of fellows about, now o'days : I 
don't mean to say, Sir, you are such a person; but there's 
no knowing, you know, Sir. 

Frank. Very pretty, friend Pantry, [aside.] Well, Sir! 

Sir G. Your intentions, Sir, may be all very correct: 
but it's proper one should be on one's guard. 

Frank. Go on, Mr. Drawcork : you do it nicely, upon 
my word, [aside.] Yes, Sir. 

Sir G. You may only be bamboozling the old lady, 
you know, Sir, to get her money : I've known many 
such instances, for I attend all the remarkable trials ; 
therefore, I'm sure you'll not be offended, if I object to 
your remaining here, till you can give a good account of 
yourself ? 

Frank, [aside.] If I can't, I'll give a good account of 
you, friend Pantry, (aside) — Certainly, Sir. Have you 
quite finished, Sir? 

Sir G. Oh yes, Sir, quite. 



40 WANTED A WIFE ; OR, 

Frank. Then I'll begin : Do you see that door? 

Sir G. To be sure I do — What the deuce does he 
mean by that ? [aside.'] 

Frank. Instantly walk your old body through it ; be- 
fore I take you by the nose, and force you. 

Sir G. Take ine by the nose ! What do you mean ? 

Frank. You're known, old boy : you want to be finger- 
ing the old lady's cash, and to turn me out, eh ! Do you, 
but you're known, I'm up to all your manoeuvres — So, 
walk off! Come, Sir, tramp ! 

Sir G. ' Finger the old lady's cash !' why this is as 
bad a fellow as the other ! 

Frank. Will you retire to the kitchen, friend Pantry, 
or I will give you such a tweak, you shall feel it for a 
month '• Come Sir, march ! 

Sir G. They're accomplices ! we shall all be murdered • 
that rascal Jonathan, too, to say he was quiet and civil ; 
but I'll not go, Sir! I won't be bullied in this way ! 

Frank. You won't? — we'll see: come {forcing him out) 
move your old bones, you designing dog, or I'll shake 
them out of your skin ! and never dare interfere with me 
or the old lady again, as you value your carcase^-d'ye 
hear ? 

Sir G. Why, what a set of ruffians have I got into 
company with ! Bullied by one, blustered at by another : 
abused, maltreated! was ever knight used thus? but 
I won't put up with it ! Here John ! Thomas ! help ! help ! 
I say — help ! Jonathan ! 

Frank. Help Jonathan ? My foot shall help Jonathan, 
if you don't move a little faster. — You must be casting 
your sheep's eyes at the old house-keeper, must you ? 
why you most ancient goat ! but come : hop ! skip 1 
jump ! abscond ! 

Sir G. Help ! murder ! Jonathan ! Help. 

[Exit $ir Gabriel, being forced off by Frank. 



A CHECQUE ON" 31 Y BANKER. 41 

SCENE IV. 

Gardens of Castleton Mall. 

Enter Catherine. 

Catherine. This interesting youth, this Arthur, has 
wound himself so into my esteem, that I cannot, for the 
life of me, bring myself, to treat him as a domestic. Could 
I be assured his birth was not disgraceful ! Heigho ! some 
strange mystery hangs o'er his fate. 
Enter Frank. 

Frank. So much for old Jonathan. By all my hopes, 
here's my old housekeeper's niece, Miss Tit ! she's a fine 
creature, upon my life. I must have a little small talk 
with her. — How do you do, my dear? 

Catherine. What saucy companion is this ? as I live, 
my aunt's lover ! Dear ! ! that term from you, would, I 
should imagine, Sir, be better applied to my aunt than 
to me. 

Enter Miss Arr agon from behind. 

Miss A. [aside] -My lover and my niece together! 
what can this mean ? she is not endeavouring to rob mc 
of his affections ? 

Frank. Oh, oh ! a little jealous at my attention to the 
housekeeper! Why, my dear girl, surely you cannot sup- 
pose I meant any thing serious towards the old woman? 

Miss A. [aside] That's me: oh, the base perjur'd man! 

Catherine. If you do not, I must tell you, Sir, your 
conduct is neither that of a gentleman nor a man; pos- 
sesses neither honor nor honesty. 

Miss A. [aside] I shall die with vexation ! 

Frank. Why, my love — 

Catherine. I must again request you, Sir, to keep those 
terms of endearment for some one weak enough to listen 
to them. 

Frank. Oh, the little scornful dev;l ! (aside) Jonathan, 



42 WANTED A WIFE ; OR, 

the butler, has a sneaking kindness for the old lady; and 
I think it will be a devilish good match. 

Miss A. The butler a match for me ! horrible ! (aside) 

Catherine, I shall think it my duty to let Sir Gabriel 
and my aunt be acquainted with your sentiments imme- 
diately. 

Frank. Tell Sir Gabriel and the old lady! Zounds, that 
will spoil all! I shall be blown!— psha! nonsense, my dear; 
I was only joking — there, there — go along, and wait on 
your mistress. 

Catherine. Mistress ! I will degrade myself no longer 
by holding converse with you — yet, ere I depart, let me 
remind you, Sir, that no one with the feelings of a gen- 
tleman, would thus have insulted the heiress of Castle- 
ton, in the halls of her ancestors. [Exit Catherine. 

Frank. Wheugh! here's a go! Kitty, the heiress of 
Castleton ! then who the devil is her aunt ? 

Miss A. [advancing.'] Oh, you base, perjur'd man! 

Frank, [aside.'] The old woman! and overheard alt! 
zounds ! I am completely in for it now — I must brazen 
it out — what the plague shall I say ? My dear madam ! 

Miss A. But my niece is right: you are some unprin- 
cipled fortune hunter — was it not enough to be false to 
your vows ; but you must ridicule the hapless victim of 
your treachery? after winning my affections, to declare 
it all a hum! after even fixing the day, to consign me 
to the butler ! 

Frank. ' Winning your affections !' — c fixing the day V 
Why, what can this mean ? 

Miss A. Yes : when covered with blushes, I attended 
your advertisement, inviting one of the fair sex to enter 
into a disinterested union with you— didn't you in the 
most passionate terms force me ta name to-morrow as 
the happy day ? But it is my fortune, Sir, you love ; not 
me. 

Frank* Her fortune ! zounds, I may get into a good 



A CHECQUE ON MY BANKER. 43 

thing here, [aside.'] My dear madam, by all that's 
lovely; by your bright self, I was joking ; merely joking — 
to prove it, I am ready to accompany you to the parson 
this instant! Ah! Madam, sacrifice on the propitious 
altar of matrimony your anger, your resentment! 

Miss A. How irresistibly he pleads : [aside.'] If you 
are sincere, and, indeed, a gentleman, you will instantly 
disclose your name and family: I may, then, perhaps, 
veil my just frowns, and smile once more upon your 
suit. 

Frank, What name can I give that will pass off? my 
master's : he's safe enough in London : so there will be 
no danger, [aside.] Wildfire, Madam, at your service. 

Miss A. Can it be ; Arthur Wildfire, Sir? 

Frank. Arthur Wildfire, Madam. 

Miss A. Son of Sir Wilful Wildfire? 

Frank. The same, Madam — what's in the wind now? 
[aside.] 

Miss A. Oh, my heart! it is the dear insensible him- 
self! — Support me — Arthur! [Sinks in Frank's arms.] 

Frank. Curse it, what mystery is this? My dear 
Madam, let me conjure you to explain. 

Miss A. Is it possible, then, you do not recognize your 
betrothed bride ? 

Frank. My betrothed bride ? 

Miss A. There wanted but this to complete my hap- 
piness — poor Sir Wilful, how great will be his joy! 
This union was always the darling wish of his heart — 
the union of our estates, he said, prov'd that nature in- 
tended us for each other. 

Frank. Why, zounds ! Madam, you are not the rich 
Miss Arragon, of Gloucestershire ? the lady Sir Wilful 
intended to be my master's — psha! I shall expose all 
[aside.]— My mistress ? 

Miss A. Well may you be confused, my dear Arthur! 



44 WANTED A WIFE ; OK, 

I am indeed that neglected fair one ; but this meeting 
repays all. 

Frank, Come to my arms! come to your Wildfire! 
As I've taken my master's place, I've a right to his 
name.[<mcte.] — Come, my dear Miss Arragon, let us into 
the house. 

Miss A. With all my heart : I must not lose an instant 
in acquainting Sir Gabriel with this happy discovery: 
he will be transported — come, my betrothed Arthur ! 

Frank. I must get married directly, or there may be a 
discovery by which J may be transported : — Impudence 
assist me ! I attend you, my lovely bride ! 

[Exeunt Miss Arragon and Frank* 



END OF THE THIRD ACT, 



A CHECQUE ON MY BANKER. 45 

ACT IV. 
SCENE I. 

Common Room of a Country Inn. 

Enter General Malabar and Pikestaff, ushered in bg 
Boozle. 

Gen. M. What the devil does Sir Gabriel mean sending 
off an express in this manner, and dragging a poor invalid 
like me a forced march of sixty miles, and all to look 
after a young baggage of whom I thought he had become 
commanding officer for life. It's monstrously perplexing. 
I'm sure the female .sex have caus'd me trouble enough in 
my time without another of them adding to my miseries. 

Pikest. Why you've caus'd them trouble enough. Poor 
Miss Millflower — to marry her clandestinely ; then to 
desert her and your own precious baby ; and never even 
to write or send to her, and all because she didn't happen 
to be as high born as yourself ; but what good have you 
done by it ? Though you went to India, and married a 
rich wife, with all your endeavours youv'e no one to leave 
your money to. Fie ! fie on you ! I don't wonder at 
those twinges : if they were twice as bad, they'd serve you 
right. I'm glad, however, to see you've a little remorse. 

Gen. M. A little remorse, sir ! what dy'e mean by that ? 
It's not remorse, sir, it's the rheumatism — havn't I done 
every thing in my power to make reparation ; didn't I 
hasten the first moment I reach'd England to discover, 
acknowledge, and make them happy ? and finding they 
had left their native village, didn't I advertize for them, 
offering immense rewards, in every newspaper in London, 
but without effect ? could a man do more ? 

Pikest. Yes, what was the use of your advertizing, 
when you made poor Miss Millflower swear, before you 



46 WANTED A WIFE ; OR, 

married her, to conceal her name, and never to reveal 
your's but by your desire, putting it for ever out of her 
power to expose your treachery. 

Gen.M. Why, you most impudent subaltern, here's in- 
subordination ; 'tis true I have kept you in my service be- 
cause you always say what you think, and speak plain ; 
but — — 

Pikest. Yes, but, now I speak too plain, you want to 
get rid of me; it makes good what I always said, there's 
none of us like to hear the truth at all times. Well, I've 
done. 

Gen. M. That's lucky, for here's company coming, 
and 

Pikest. It might'nt be very politic to let them over- 
hear what we're talking about. 

Gen. M. What do you mean by that, sir ? I don't care 
who overhears. 

M i Shift, (without) This way, Jolt, darling: we'll get a 
nice drop here at the King of Prussia. 

Enter M'Shift and Jolt, ushered in by Boozle. 

M'Shift. By my soul now, but you're a mighty funny 
fellow, master Boozle. 

Boozle. Yes, your honour, I like to make my customers 
in good humour with themselves, and then they're in 
good humour with me. If I'm dry I generally find 
they become so too, and drink like fishes, which is all 
right for the King of Prussia, you know : for it empties 
my butts and fills my pockets at the same time. 

M { Shift. That is to say, master Boozle, you give them 
a sweet word to blarney down your sour beer, and tell 
'em a story to stomach your spirits. In short, Mr. Bamp- 
fylde Boozle, you've a mighty pleasant way of bam- 
boozling your customers. Be off wid you. 

[Exit Boozle. 

Gen. M. That I'll be sworn he has. Now that man 
speaks his mind, and I likehim for it. How are you, friend ? 



A CHKCQUE ON MY BANKER. 47 

M* Shift. Beautiful, sir ! I hope you be so too, though I 
scarcely need ask, for upon my soul you're mighty ill- 
looking. 

Gen. M. I am not very well, sure enough : old age and 
hard service are not remarkable for benefiting the constitu- 
tion of the warrior, however they may have served that 
of his country. Oh that I had some one to sooth the anguish 
of old age, and cheer those pangs, a life of cares has 
brought upon my soul. 

M'Shift. Is it a companion he's looking for? Sure 
then, the little killy of Eden won't do delightfully for him. 
Och ! I'll speak to him directly. Faith, sir ! for if it's a 
companion you're looking for, sure now I can't help 
you to one in no time. You must know, sir, I keep a 
small bit of an office for supplying every body with what 
they want; and if your honour will let me, I'll bring you 
one that will make you ten years younger by the time 
you're an hour older. 

Gen. M. Be it so : I'll see this companion of yours. 

M* Shift. I'faith, sir, and you shall not wait long, I'll 
skip like a grasshopper, and never turn my back till I 
make you both mighty well acquainted with each other. 

{Exeunt Jolt and M'Shifi. 

Gen. M. I intended to make these head-quarters till 
the afternoon, that I might refit before I visited the castle; 
therefore encamping for these honest fellows, will not 
disarrange my operations. I will lie down awhile — a nap 
will do me good. [Exeunt General and Pikestaff. 



SCENE II. 

An Apartment. 
Entr Sir Gabriel and Miss Arragon. 
Sir Gab. Ha! ha! ha! Well this is droll enough that 



48 WANTED A WIFE ; OR, 

he should turn out to be my old friend's son after all, the 
very man that was originally to have married you, very 
droll upon my life, and very apropos too ; but are you 
sure he's not imposing upon us? Are you sure that he 
really is young Wildfire? 

Miss A. Oh my life upon the dear youth's honor. 

Sir Gab. Ah, that of course : you're a woman, and 
easily imposed upon; but I'm an old bird, and not caught 
so quickly. I shall try him before I trust him : he's coming 
this way, so do you step out, I'll ask him to lend me 
twenty pounds ; that's sure to try a man. 

Miss A. I consent with all my heart, convinced he'll 
come from the trial as pure as gold from the furnace. 

Sir Gab. If the trial should produce some gold I shall 
be satisfied : — away, he's here. [Exit Miss Arragon. 
Enter Frank. 

Frank, (aside.} Oh the devil! Sir Gabriel I my dear 
sir Gabriel, I hope you'll excuse the little mistake that — 

Sir Gab. Don't mention it, Mr. Wildfire, I beg. I am 
rejoiced to shake by the hand a son of my old friend Sir 
Wilful. Your father and I, young gentleman, have been to 
many a grand sight together: we were the first persons in 
the village that looked through the kaleidoscope. 

Frank. It's all right, (aside) I'faith, it was very droll 
my turning you out. 

Sir Gab. Very droll indeed (but not very agreeable) 
(aside.) But egad, I beg your pardon, I'm going to take 
a great liberty with you. I'm disappointed in some remit- 
tances I expected : you could'nt lend me twenty pounds 
for a short time, could you? 

Frank. No, nor twenty pence, (aside.) Twenty 
pounds, my dear Sir Gabriel ; really I should be Very hap- 
py, but upon my honor I left town in such a devil of a 
hurry that I quite forgot to put my pocket book in the 
chaise. 

Sir, Gab. Well, ten will do ; can you lend me ten ? 



A CHECQUE ON MY BANKER. 49 

Frank. Curse it, he'll find me out. My dear sir, I'm 
extremely sorry, but I really have no notes about me, or 
I would with the greatest pleasure ! 

Sir Gab. Well then five pounds will serve for the pre- 
sent, or a little loose silver. 

Frank. Oh, certainly sir, here's — curse it, they are half- 
pence, (aside.") Bless me, where's my purse ? my loose 
silver will be hard to find I believe, (aside.") Dear me, 
I'm afraid I've lost my purse! Oh, now I recollect I left 
it at the inn ! I was changing a guinea, and put it in my 
portmanteau, for one's loose cash does run away so. Ha! 
ha! ha! excuse the joke. I shall get off (aside.) Very 
sorry. 

Sir Gab. No money, that looks suspicious: the son of 
a baronet, and not able to give change for a sixpence, or 
pay turnpike for a walking stick. But Fll try him fur- 
ther, (aside.) Never mind, I've thought of a plan that 
will settle all : give me a checque on your banker. 

Frank. A checque on my banker ! What the devil shall 
I do now? If I write him one, I shall be hang'd for 
forgery : if I don't, I shall be found out, and kicked out ; 
what is to be done : ah, the checque in my pocket of my 
master, it's for £20 ; it will do ; it will do ! (aside) A 
checque on my banker, my dear Sir Gabriel, I'll give it 
you directly — for twenty pounds, you say? I've luckily 
one in my pocket for exactly that sum, which I wrote 
this morning, to give to a devilish clever fellow of a 
servant of mine, Frank Cleverly ; he left me to be married, 
and that twenty pounds was his marriage portion : how- 
ever, on second thoughts, I gave it him in notes, and so, 
sir, there is the checque, very much at your service. 

(gives checque.) 

Sir Gab. I'm extremely obliged to you, sir: let me 
fiee, " Aldgate, Handle and Co. Frank Cleverly, or bearer, 
" twenty pounds.— Arthur Wildfire." Very good : I'll 
return it to you to-morrow, Mr. Wildfire. 

H 



50 WANTED A WIFE ; OR^ 

Frank. Any time, my dear Sir Gabriel : have another 
for a hundred if you like ; I can give it you in a 
moment. , 

Sir Gab. Sir, you're very obliging ; but this will do for 
my purpose, as well as a thousand. 

Frank. Thank Heaven for that: but now let me be off, 
'ere he asks me for any thing else. I may'nt answer his 
next demand so satisfactorily. (aside.) My dear Sir Gabriel, 
excusez moi pour un moment. 

Sir Gab. Oh certainly, sir. 

Frank. Good bye then, for the present, my dear Sir 
Gabriel. I shall see you again by and by. Aurevoirl 

[Exit. 

Sir Gab. It's all right ; but i'faith I began to be afraid. 
Sir Wilful will be rarely rejoiced to find his runaway son 
pn the eve of accomplishing his dearest wish. Jonathan ! 
Enter Jonathan. 

Jon; Oh, Sir Gabriel! 

Sir Gab. Hey day ! what now ? 

Jon. He's come, Sir Gabriel; Sir Wilful is come. 

Sir Gab. What, my old friend : well, that is lucky. Why 
i'faith, every thing is turning out just as one could wish 
it ; where is he ? 

Jon. In the hall, Sir Gabriel, come post, and has brought 
all the London papers. We shall now know all that's 
doing there,, all the new sights. 

Sir Gab. But, Jonathan, what is it I hear of you ? Why 
they tell you've broken out — have become rumbustious, 
obstreperous. The old lady is going to have you bound 
over to keep the peace : she swears you've designs upon 
her. 

Jon. What! Sir Gabriel, I break out— I obstropolos, 
that never offends nobody. I that's always so civil ? 

Sir Gab. There it is : It's that very civility that does 
all the mischief with the women : but come along, 
Jonathan : I must go and make interest with my friend the 



A CHECQTJE ON MY BANKER. 51 

nabob, that as the Persian Ambassador has arrived, I may- 
get the first peep at his beautiful Circassian ; for I am 
dying to see her. 

Jon. Oh, Sir Gabriel ; why old miss could'nt say so, 
surely. Heaven forgive us our sins ; what a world this is 
we live in, when a man can't say any thing civil to a lady, 
but she thinks he's going to be uncivil. Oh, I'll never be 
civil to nobody, never no more. [Exeunt. 

SCENE TV. 

The Hall as before. 
Enter Sir Wilful. 

Sir Wil. Hav'nt I had enough plague with my own 
«on ; but Sir Gabriel must want to trouble me with ano- 
ther person's daughter. 

Enter Sir Gabriel. 

Sir Gab. Ah, my dear friend, ten thousand welcomes ; 
you have arrived opportunely indeed. I sent to you 
about our late friend's daughter ; but must introduce 
you to your own son. 

Sir Wil. My son! how's this? I won't see him, Sir Ga- 
briel . I won't see him ; you know it. 

Sir Gab. But you must, you shall. I was just going 
to send an express off for you. 

Sir Wil. I tell you, Sir Gabriel, I won't see him ; and 
you know I am positive. I have sworn never to see him 
till he marries Miss Arragon. 

Sir Gab. Then you'll see him this afternoon. 

Sir Wil. Impossible ! it can't be : Arthur is as obsti- 
nate as myself: and having once refused to marry Miss 
Arragon, the devil himself won't make him alter his re- 
solution. 

Sir Gab. The devil might'nt, but the angel has : for 



£2 WANTED A WIFE 



such he considers the old lady ; he was enamoured of her 
before he knew who she was ; and it was not until the last 
half hour we discovered he was the son of my old com- 
panion Sir Wilful. 

Sir WiL It must be an impostor ; it cannot be my son ; 
you may as well attempt to bend a crocodile's back as 
Arthur, when he's once resolved. 

Sir Gab. A crocodile's back ! — if that can't be bent, it may 
be brought about ; and so may he : and let me tell you 
stranger things have been brought about than this. But 
how the plague shall I convince you ? Gad, I know how ! 
Do you know your son's handwriting? 

Sir WiL Aye, as well as I do my own : our writing is 
like ourselves, a firm downright text 

Sir Gab. Should you know one of his checques on his 
banker, if you were to see it ? 

Sir WiL To be sure I should, for he always begins 
them in the imperative mood! 'Pay so and so?' or 
'bearer!' and leaves 'please' out, making them pay whether 
they please or not 

Sir Gab. Very well, then read that ; that, sir, is a 
checque, he gave me scarcely ten minutes ago. 

Sir WiL It is his hand sure enough : and he is really 
going to marry Miss Arragon ? Then I have conquer'd the 
rascal at last. 

Sir Gab. Follow me into the next room, and I'll bring 
you together. I'll just step and prepare him, for he 
knows nothing of your being here. This way : having 
once got him happily married, we'll then talk about our 
ward. 

Sir WiL This news of my son's submission has given 
me more joy than any thing since the rascal's birth. This 
marriage will bring about all my favourite wishes ; it will 
enlarge my estate, our lands joining together, and com- 
mand the boy a seat in the House, having the gift of a 
borough attached to it. So come along, I pant to forgive 



A CHECQUE IJPOJf MY BANKER. 53 

the villain, and knock him down for standing up against 
me. [Exeunt ambo. 

SCENE V. 

An Apartment in the King of Prussia Inn, 

Enter Barney, M'Shift, Jolt, and Lillian. 

M'Shift. This way, darling, this way. Fait, but we've 
taken a mighty great short cut across the fields, Jolt ; but 
good luck lightens a man's heels wonderfully ; and sure 
we're not in wonderful good luck to get little Lilly here 
settled so soon. It shews the Echo Office answers 
rarely. 

Lit. It is indeed fortunate — it is more than I almost 
scarcely dar'd to hope for. 

M'Shift. Och, I'll be bound you'll have a rare com- 
fortable place of it — there'll be no quarrelling about vic- 
tuals, vails, or wages ; you'll do just what you like, and 
after you've kept open house for two or three years, the" 
old gentleman will close all accounts, by popping off, and 
leaving you a fat thumping legacy to console you for his 
loss — and 'ent these beautiful prospects ? 

Lil. The prospect which presents itself in the death of 
a benefactor, will always be a sad one to Lillian Eden. 

M'Shift. Blessings on your little grateful heart for that 
— but here the old gentleman comes — stand aside, my 
darling, and I'll introduce you to him before he sees you, 
in a little bit of an epilogue of my own. 

Enter General Malabar and Pikestaff. 

Gen. M. Not so fast, Pikestaff; not so fast — why zounds, 
you are marching in double quick time. You have dis- 
located every joint in my body. Hey, who is this — -a 
woman ! 

M'Shift. This is the little Lilly of Eden, your honour, 



54 WANTED A WIFE ; OR, 

that I spoke to you about. She'll keep your house for you 
rarely, never fear. 

Gen. M. Death and the devil ! I expected one to 
drive away every disquiet from me, and you bring me a 
woman : — this is an Irish remedy with a witness to it. 
She's very pretty faith, and young too. (aside) 

M'Shift. Oh, murder ! what have we done now ? 

Jolt. We be all in the wrong box here, sure eno\ 

Lillian. What can all this mean ? (aside) I perceive, 
sir, there is some strange mistake here ; (to Gen. Malabar) 
but I am born to be the victim of circumstance. Allow 
me to explain : I am a friendless orphan, without a 
resource ; without a hope. This honest creature, 
whose good wishes may have outstripped his prudence, 
becoming by chance acquainted with my situation, kindly 
offered his endeavours to assist me. I understood from 
him you wished for one whose assiduities and at- 
tention might alleviate your cares, and soothe your 
pangs. Under this impression it was I accompanied him 
hither. 

Gen. M. There's no deceit in this. Stop, young 
woman ; I feel a strange interest in your history ; 
and though it will not be exactly the thing for an old 
fellow like me to tempt scandal by hiring such a young 
andpretty housekeeper asyou would make, my ward, Miss 
Arragon, may act as proxy for me. I'll hasten to Castle- 
ton-Hall directly ; meet me there within an hour, and you 
shall have no cause to complain of being destitute or 
friendless. Ecod I feel so light and brisk. Come, Pike- 
staff — quick march, my boy. 

Pikest. Quick march ? why you seem to have taken a 
new lease. [Exeunt. 

M'Shift. It's all right— If I had'nt made a mistake, 
we'd never have understood one another. We'll be with 
you, your honour, never fear — come, Lillian, darling — 
•ome Jolt, honey — 



A CHECQUE ON MY BANKER. 55 

Lit. My heart's too full for words — it expands with 
gratitude, and dances with joy. 

M'Shift. Does it — then fait our legs shall accompany 
it — Jolt, you bog-trotter, can you dance a minuet? 

Jolt. Dance a minute — Ecod, when I were in York- 
shire, I used to dance a hundred minutes, and never were 
tired. 

M'Shift. Oh fie ! fie ! You've been brought up at a 
Yorkshire boarding-school, and taught nothing. Ireland 
is the place for education ; — but come, we'll have a small 
bit of a reel, and then we'll take a bottle together — you'll 
understand that. 

Jolt. He ! he ! But I always thought the bottle came 
first and the reel afterwards ; but come. 

M'Shift. With all my heart — Saint Patrick's Day in 
the Morning ! Fal de ral, lal de ral, &c. 

[Exeunt omnes dancing.} 



END OF THE FOURTH ACT. 



5§ WANTED A WIFE ; OR, 

ACT V. 

SCENE T. 

Another Apartment. 

Enter Frank. 

Frank. All goes on swimmingly : the parson will be 
ready in an hour ; the old woman has promised to be 
ready when he is ; I'm ready directly ; the ready itself is 
all ready, and so every thing's ready. Eh, sir Gabriel ; 
what can he want? [Enter Sir Gabriel. 

Sir Gab. Rare news, my dear young friend! rare 
news ! I've such a surprise for you. 

Frank. The devil you have, what now ? {aside} 

Sir Gab. I've let your father know that you are here. 

Frank. Upon my soul I'm extremely obliged to you. 

Sir Gab. But that's not all ; I'm come now to let you 
know your father's here. 

Frank. Confusion ! Sir Wilful here. Nothing can 
save me ; I feel the tossing of the blanket now — my head 
begins to swim — I'm going up. {aside) 

Sir Gab. I've told him every thing about you and the 
old lady ! 

Frank. You're excessively good; I wish you were 
choaked. (aside) 

Sir Gab. And so he's coming here to give you hif 
blessing. 

Frank. It will be a blessing when he does come. Curse 
it, what's to be done ? {aside) 

Sir Gab. What's more, he's at the door! 

Frank. I wish he was at Nova Scotia : it's all over 



A CHECQUE ON MY BANKER, 57 

with me, I may bid good bye to the old lady, (aside) 
Sir Gab. He would'nt believe you were his son. 
Frank. I don't know how he should, (aside) 
Sir Gab, And so he's come here to be convinced ! 
Frank. He will be convinced with a witness to it, and 
so shall I ; only my conviction will not be exactly like 
his. (aside) 

Sir Gab. I thought it would be an agreeable surprise to 
you ; but I'll go and send him in, and leave you closeted 
for half an hour, he's not at all angry. 
Frank. No, that's all to come ! (aside) 
Sir Gab. He means to replace you in his will, he says; 
but I'll go and send him here. [Exit. 

Frank. His will, he'll let me know more of his power 
than his will, I believe. What in the name of brass am 
I to do ? Oh, that there were any chimney I could climb 
up, or any cellar I could crawl down. Impudence ! Impu- 
dence! dear goddess, Impudence ! befriend thy son. I can 
only avoid meeting him by running away ; so here goes. 
Hey, by all that's provoking, this way comes my master ; 
'tis he after all, and this way my master's father ! I'm 
between two fires, and must be blown to the devil ! Dear 
me, what a perspiration I'm in already. Ha! this cup- 
board — Sir Gabriel said I was to be closeted, and clo- 
seted I will be, if this cupboard will hold me. 

[Frank gets into the cupboard at the back of the stage. 
Sir Wilful and Wildfire enter at opposite sides, and 
meet in the middle.'] 

Wild. My father, astonishment! (aside) 
Sir Wil. Yes, 'tis my son sure enough ; I thought 
I could not be mistaken in his writing, (aside.) 
Wild,. What can have brought him here I (aside.) 
Sir Wil. So, sir, 'ent you a pretty fellow ? 
Wild. So they tell me, sir. 
Sir Wil. 'Ent you ashamed to see my face? 

I 



58 WANTED A WIFE * OR, 

Wild. No, sir : however we may disagree on some 
points, I trust I shall never be ashamed of my father. 

Sir WiL The stubborn young dog, he won't own him- 
self in fault. Well 1 like him for that, because it's like 
myself, {aside.) It seems though, sir, that if you are 
not ashamed of me, you're ashamed of yourself, and 
have endeavoured, by a late compliance with my wishes, 
to express your repentance for having so precipitately 
disobeyed them. 

Wild. Compliance with your wishes ! 1 do not under- 
stand you, sir. 

Sir WiL I allude to Miss Arragon : it seems you un- 
derstand her, sir ; nay, that you understand one another. 

Wild. Miss Arragon, sir ! 

Sir Wil. Yes, sir, Miss Arragon ! the lady you for- 
merly refused 1 at my request to marry, but whom you 
are now dying to carry to church, who is now in the 
house nothing loath ; and only waiting for Sir Gabriel's 
consent. 

Wild. It is true, sir, I am enamoured of a lady in 
this house, who is under the care of Sir GabrieL 

Sir Wil. It is the same lady, sir. 

Wild. Impossible, my dear father ! the Miss Arragon 
you mentioned to me, was old and ugly : this is an angel 
of eighteen ; fresh as the morning, and fairer than un- 
fallen snow. 

Sir Wil. Lord bless me, how love does blind a young 
fellow to be sure. I tell you, Arthur, it is the same lady : 
she's not very old, I'll grant, but still she's no chicken ; 
she's on the shady side of forty if she's a day ; as for her 
being as fresh as the morning, it must be one of the foggy 
mornings in November ; and with respect to comparisons 
between her and the snow you talk'd about, the less we 
say on that subject, the better, as the snow is by no means 
(Battered. 
Wild. I tell you, my dear father, you must be mistaken; the 



A CHECQUE ON MY BANKER. 59 

lady I speak of, is youth and beauty personified, one 
would imagine that like the Eastern Houri, she lived upon 
essences, and with the fragrance of every flower imbibed 
its beauty. 

Sir Wil. Psha, nonsense ! what an obstinate young 
dog it is : to come to the point at once, did you not 
through some whim of your own advertise for a w T ife ? 

Wild. I did, sir. 

Sir Wil. Did not your advertisement produce an inter- 
view with a lady who brought you here? 

Wild. Most certainly. 

Sir Wil. Have you not fallen desperately in love with 
that lady ? 

Wild. I cannot deny it. 

Sir Wil. Is she not under Sir Gabriel's care, and have 
you not spoken to him about marrying her? 

Wild. I confess it. 

Sir Wil. Well then how can there be any mistake ? 
But let me question you further : did you not give a 
checque on your Banker for twenty pounds ? 

Wild. Oh that cursed checque. I did, is it in your pos- 
session ? 

Sir Wil. Yes, yes ; here it is safe enough / 

Wild. Thank Heaven! he has paid it, and I've got rid 
of Frank at last. 

Sir Wil. Why, if it had'nt been for this checque, I 
should'nt have believed you could have been here. 

Wild. There is some mystery I can't account for ; (aside.) 
and you are certain, sir, the lady in question is Miss Arragon 
whom you wished me to marry ? 

Sir Wil. As certain as I am you're my son, though 
your lovesick eyes mistake wrinkles for dimples, and fancy 
a Hebe where there's only a Hecate. 

Wild. And you consent to my marrying her ? 

Sir Wil. It is the darling wish of my heart ; and I'll 



60 WANTED A WIFE ; OR, 

give you twenty thousand pounds to pay for a wedding 
dinner. 

Wild. A bargain, sir ; but will you stand to it ? 

Sir Wil. Stand to it ; we'll have it down in black and 
white directly. 

Wild. Aye black and white, where is the pen and ink ? 

Sir Wil. Here it is : now then for it : " I promise to 
pay my son Arthur Wildfire on his marriage with Miss" 
— what's her christian name ? 

Wild. Catherine. 

Sir. Wil. " With Miss Catherine Arragon the sum of 
twenty thousand pounds, in token of my consent to the 
said marriage, Wilful Wildfire." Dated this day ; there 
it is all signed and ready, and now go and marry the old 
girl as soon as you like. 

Wild. In less than an hour, sir, the lady and myself 
will be at your feet, asking your blessing. 

Sir Wil. And you shall have it, — ten thousand bless- 
sings. Odds heart, I'm so happy. Huzza, huzza, let 
me go in search of John Groom — happy event — stick 
to her Arthur — -carry the old girl off — tol lol de rol lol. 

[Exit. 

Wild. If I don't carry the old girl off I've sent the old 
boy off, at all events, so I'll go and marry Catherine directly. 

[Exit Wildfire. 
Frank advancing from the cupboard. 
Frank. They're both clear off: here's an escape, egad. I'll 
go and marry my old Venus directly ; but how the devil to 
pay the parson? I've no silver, nor any gold ; but I've brass 
enough, so I must payhiminbrass,'tis a rarejoke 'ifaith; I 
shall get my master's sweetheart, he'll get his own, and we 
shall both get a fortune into the bargain. Ha ! ha ! ha ! 
Enter Sir Gabriel. 
Sir Gab. Well, my young friend, why you seem merry : 
kave you settled every thing to your satisfaction? 



A CHECQUE ON MY BANKER* 61 

Frank. Most completely so. 

Sir Gab. You've come over the old man, eh ? 

Frank. Yes, yes ; I've got on his blind side. 

Sir Gab. And you're to marry the girl, eh. 

Frank. Directly. 

Sir Gab. I'll give you away. We'll have it done at 
once ; but odso, let me give you the twenty pounds for 
your checque. You'll want some loose money, you 
know, for the parson, the bell-ringers, and the marrow- 
bones, and so on ; and as you've left your purse at the 
inn, it may be acceptable. 

Frank. Uncommonly so. (aside.} 

Sir Gab. I've nothing less than £50. ; but never mind 
the difference, you can give it me, when you come to 
rummage over some of the old lady's hoards. 

Frank. So I can; yes, yes, I'll rummage them over. 

Sir Gab. By the bye, my asking you for that checque, 
was all a trap to catch you in. Ha! ha! ha! very drolL 

Frank. In which you were caught yourself, (aside.) 
Very droll indeed, ha ! ha! ha ! 

Sir Gab. But come, we'll set off to the parson, and 
then I'll shew you the lions about here: there are some 
sights very well worth seeing ; there's the Devil's Kettle, 
and Mouse Hall — and Cat's Castle, and — but I can't tell 
you half of them, though I've seen them all. 

Frank. Indeed, sir : you have had some enviable op- 
portunities, upon my word. 

Sir Gab. I have, I have, sir : why do you know, at our 
great naval hero's funeral, I sat immediately next to the 
gentleman who travelled post from the highlands of Scot- 
land to witness the spectacle. Noble ardour ! I saw him 
fall asleep, just before it began, and when it had passed, 
I, sir, was the identical person that woke him, to tell him it 
was all over. I was, indeed ; but come along. [Exeunt. 



62 WANTED A WIFE ; OR, 

SCENE II. 

Miss Catherine Arragon's Boudoir. 

Enter Catherine. 

Cath. Yes, marriage is what we must all come to ; and 
to whom can I better entrust the hopes and honours of 
my house, than to him whom I am convinced will support 
and uphold them. 

Enter Wildfire. 

Wild. Pardon me, charming Catherine. Excuse this 
abrupt intrusion of one to whom your word is law. The 
cloud that hung over my fate has vanished, and equal in 
birth and fortune to yourself, I no longer hesitate to 
claim your promise, and ask the consummation of my 
hopes. 

Cath. My promise! What can this mean? But no 
matter. (aside. ^)The favourable sentiments I entertained for 
you, when my servant, Arthur, I shall not now retract in 
your prosperity : my hand is your's on two conditions: — 
the first, that you obtain the sanction of my guardians ; 
the other that you disclose implicitly, your name and 
rank. 

Wild. Confusion! Old Gaby won't give his consent, 
I'm certain. I'm check'd there — what does she mean too> 
by my being her servant. 

Cath. You hesitate, and Catherine Arragon of Cas- 
tleton <■ 

Wild. Catherine Arragon : then you are really the 
woman I was to marry ; and my obstinate old father was 
right ; but where could his eyes be, when he swore you 
were old and ugly. 

Cath. The woman you were to marry? " My pro- 
mise ?" 



A CHECQUE ON MY BANKER. 63 

Wild. Yes, my lovely mistress! Did you not expressly 
bring me here to marry me, and depute me to speak about 
the settlement to Sir Gabriel ? 

Cath. Never. I brought you here as a servant — the 
settlement I alluded to, was the amount of your wages. 

Wild. Wages ; ha ! ha ! ha ! Arthur Wildfire, a foot- 
man — was ever any thing so ridiculous — that cursed 
Irishman has made a bull, and I've made a blunder. This 
then accounts for Sir Gabriel's conduct, and all the 
mysteries I've observ'd here. 

Cath. Arthur Wildfire ! Is it possible ? Why, Sir Wil- 
ful intends you to marry my aunt : he is another of my 
guardians, and without his consent, I never can marry 
you, unless I give up all my fortune. 

Wild. Make yourself perfectly easy about that, my love. 
Here is Sir Wilfull's consent in black and white. I have 
pledged myself to him to marry you in the next half-hour. 

Cath. Impossible ! 

Wild. Not at all. The parson is all ready. 

Cath. Nay, but Arthur, I shall lose 

Wild. No, no, my love, it's I shall lose twenty 

thousand pounds, if we lose many more minutes in debate ; 
so not a word 'till the parson says, ' will you take him V 
Cath. Well, on this condition, I'll consent : but posi- 
tively I would'nt have yielded so soon on any other ; but 
sooner than you should lose twenty thousand pounds 

Wild. You'll consent to find a husband in Arthur 
Wildfire. It's very plain here's some mistake in this busi- 
ness ; but it's a very lucky mistake for us : so come along, 
my charming Kate, and let us settle every thing directly. 

[Exeunt. 



64 WANTED A WIFE ; OR, 

SCENE THE LAST. 

The great Hall as before. 

Enter General Malabar, Lillian, Pikestaff, and 

Servant. 

Servant. Who do you say, sir? 

Gen. M. General Malabar, blockhead. I wish to 
see either Sir Gabriel, or Miss Arragon, directly. Go 
and let them know I'm here. 

Servant. Very well, sir ! [Exit. 

Gen. M. Gad I'm so happy. To think now that warm- 
hearted Irishman should have blundered on a discovery, 
the wisest of us might have searched ages for in vain, 
and that in my little companion, Lillian, I should find my 
long lost daughter. Could we but find this Frank Cle- 
verly — this run-away cousin to confirm it, (not that I have 
any doubt) my felicity would be complete. Ah, my old 
friend, Sir Gabriel. 

Enter Sir Gabriel. 

Sir Gab. They are married — the old woman has got a 
husband at last. Ah, General Malabar. I rejoice to see 
you : I haven't time at present to tell you why I desired 
your presence here. I'm over my ears in marriages, sur- 
prises, and good fortune. Where is Sir Wilful ? 
Enter Sir Wilful. 

Sir Wil. Here I am now, my dear friend — Ah, General 
Malabar, your most obedient. 

Gen. M. I am happy to see you, Sir Wilful. 

Sir G. My dear friends, we have no time for salutation 
now ; I've completed the business, Sir Wilful ; the nup- 
tial knot is tied ; Parson Drawltext has gone through the 
ceremony, and I left the old lady twittering away like a 
young canary. 

Sir Wil. My dear friend, how shall I ever repay you ? 

Sir Gab. Don't mention that, the happy couple are 
at the door, I'll bring them in. Stand aside, my dear 



A CHECQUE ON MY BANKEK. 65 

^General, for a few moments, and then we shall be your 
very humble servants. [Exit. 

Sir Wil. A father's feelings, General, will take prece- 
dence of those of friendship — You must excuse me. 

Gen. M. What the devil does all this mean? 

Re-enter Sir Gabriel, leading in Miss Arragon. 

Sir Gab. Sir Wilful, allow me to introduce to you a 
daughter, and now [Exit. 

Miss A. (To Sir Wilful.) Your blessing, sir. (kneels.) 

JSirWil. Rise, madam, I request. 

Re-enter Sir Gabriel, with Frank. 

Sir Gab. And now, Sir Wilful, allow me to introduce 
to you your son. 

Sir Wil. My son ! Why, zounds, who is this ? No son of 
mine, Sir Gabriel. 

Enter Wildfire, and Miss Catherine Arragon. 

Wild. No, sir — your son is here. 

Sir Wil. Here, sir, why 'ent you with your wife ? 

Wild. I am with my wife: allow me to present her to 
you, and request your blessing. 

[Kneels with Miss Catherine Arragon. 

Frank. And I, sir — kneel, my love, (kneels with MissAr. 

Sir Wil. How is this, sir? Why have you not mar- 
ried as I ordered you ? 

Wild. I have done so, sir. You desired me to marry 
Miss Catherine Arragon : behold her ; and now, sir, I'll 
thank you for twenty thousand pounds. 

Sir Wil Twenty thousand devils— but you, Miss ( to 
Catherine) you have not married with my consent, and 
*re a beggar. 

Wild. Not so, sir; I have here your consent in writing. 

Sir Wil. I am over-reached, duped, tricked ; I shall 
not have the grounds, nor he the seat: but I'm glad he 
didn't submit. 

Wild. You shall have both, sir : the acres can be bought, 
■and so too can the seat by that surest currency, merit and 
independence. 

Sir Gab. What the deuce have I been doing ? Another 
mistake. Pray, sir, who the devil are you? (To Frank.) 

K 



66 WANTED A WIFE ; «&C 

Frank. I was that gentleman's obedient servant, sir - ' 
but now I'm this lady's husband, and your most obedient 
servant. Allow me to introduce her — Mrs. Cleverly. 

Sir Gab. You shall be taken up as an impostor, rascal. 

Miss A. No, sir, he shall not — he cannot, for before 
our marriage he disclosed himself to me. k 

Frank. Yes, through a mistake, I entered her service ; 
and that I might not be deceived, she determined to keep 
me in it for life. 

Wild. The same with me : you were my servant, 'tis 
true ; but I, it appears, have been a servant since then ; so 
now we are equals, and though we are masters, will still 
prove men to our mistresses. 

Sir Wil. I am not to be foiled in this way ; you have 
not yet gained the consent of all your guardians, Miss 
Arragon. There is General Malabar : he is luckily pre- 
sent : stand forward, General. 

Cath. My other guardian here ? this is indeed perplexing. 

Sir Wil. Now, General, what do you say ? 

Gen M. Why, zounds, I hardly know what to say ; 
I must ask this rogue a question before I say any thing. 
Your name's Frank Cleverly, you say : do you know 
this lady 1 

Frank. Eh, can it be ! it must ! My cousin Lillian, the 
daughter of my aunt poor Mary Millflower. 

Gen. M. I am satisfied: having discovered my long 
lost daughter, this must be a day of general jubilee ; I 
give my consent to your marriage, ward. It must be 
so, Sir Wilful ; no one must be dissatisfied to-day. 

Sir Gab. Aye! aye! Let it be so. Sir Wilful, you 
and I have been two old fools, and the less we say the 
more it will be to our credit. We must forgive them — 
May all advertising prove as propitious as ours ; may a 
wife never be wanted by the brave and deserving ; and 
may we receive no other check to our mirth than th« 
cheering one of a checque on our bankers ! 

(Exeunt Omnes.) 



EPILOGUE. 

By the Author of the Comedy. 



Enter Jonathan Curry, 

Oh, who would have too much civility-? 

All who want any thing are wanting me ! 

And all the world's in want, egad I think, 

Young maids want husbands, and young men the chink : 

Wives children want, husbands abroad to fly — 

And how should Jonathan their wants supply ? 

Sir Gabriel, with the world of rank and fashion, 

All want to see the beautiful Circassian. 

E'en our mad poet talks at such a rate ! 

He cail'dmejust now— Oh, his advocate! 

Pale as a sprite he look'd— all hurry scurry, 

Crying you are so civil, Master Curry ; 

You can't refuse a civil word to say, 

And beg they'll civilly accept my play ; 

What do I know of speaking, moods and tenses ! 

Stop— here comes Mr. M'Shift's man of senses ; 

He'll help me out (Jolt enters.^) I hope, sir, you are well* 

Jolt. Why middling, sir, — I hope you're so yoursel. 

Jonathan. I'm glad you happened to be passing by, 
Our poet here wants me to speechify. 

Jolt. Yes, I know what he wants, and took for granted, 
That you would soon cry out — here, York, you're wanted! 
I wonder he should ever fix on you, 
I told him that a cockney would'nt do ; 
And promis'd him I'd speak — we Yorkshire lads, 
Are now o' days more knowing than our dads ; 
We be so up, you see, to all that passes, 
And then we are sic favourites wi' the lasses : 
We have sic coaxing ways — 

Jonathan. Stop, Mr. Jolt ! 

At coaxing ladies I am no such dolt; 
Though no great beauty, as my mother says, 
I've a great many little winning ways. 

Jolt. Ees, but for speaking — we York lads are famous, 
Our English is so good — you Ignoramus ! 
Now you, you know, have got the cockney brogue, 
And that will never do. — 

Jonathan. Well, well— you rogue— 

But I speak best. 



68 EPILOGUE. 

Jolt. Then why did you call me f 

Jonathan. Why that's a poser— Stop, sir, now I see-- 
It was to help me, should I prove at fault, 
For when I speechify I'm apt to halt. 

Jolt. Well, well, Til help you— Now then for the poetf 
Wehav'nt said one word for him. 

Jonathan. I know it: 

But we soon will^-nOw for it— I'll begin, 
And should I want a word, you'll pop it in. 
Ladies and gentlemen, I come, you see, 
because oar poet wants — wants — wants— 

Jolt, (prompting.) Wants me. 

Jonathan. Wants me to speak — that's it, you're right, veil 
rogue, 
Because he wants— wants — wants — 

Jolt, (prompting.) An Epilogue.* 

Jonathan. An Epilogue — that's it—you've found the cause, 
To ask for what we all want, your—* 

Jolt, (prompting.) Applause. 

Jonathan. Applause — you've hit it, Jolt— upon my life, 
The ladies smile when wanted is — 

Jolt, (prompting.) A wife ! 

Jonathan. Support us then, you young men, who want— 

Jolt, (prompting.) Spouses! 

Jonathan. Because Old Drury here wants — 

Jolt, (prompting.) Crowded houses ! 

Jonathan. Should you allow out bark in peace to anchor, 
May you ne'er want- 
Jo^, (prompting.) A checque upon your banker ! 

Jonathan. A checque ! the bankers I should like to know. 

Jolt. You shall — The Public, Drury Lane and Co. ' 

Jonathan. Well said, John Jolt, you are a friend in need ? 
But these are what I call our friends indeed ; 
Our hands we'll join in this the poet's cause. 

Jolt. Join yours, kind Sirs, and greet him with applause ' 



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